The Sweetest of words have the Bitterest Taste
by WonderousPlaceForAnEcho
Summary: Years later Marissa and Alex meet after their breakup with very different lives.
1. Chapter 1

Author's Note: I've thought about writing this, its random and may be out of character which will annoy not only you but me. Though I've worked 17 days in a row so...I don't care that much. (Apathy will kill us all.) But I'm content-drinking wine and 17 days isn't as tiresome as the 22 days in a row. So...if you have any suggestions or comments feel free. I've got it plotted but it can be scraped if people loath it since I'm on the fence. And numerous chapters will be posted in a chapter considering they're short and I don't have time to write the usual long ones. Ten points if anyone can figure out what line is from Veronica Mars.

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Chapter 1

"I thought the house was on fire."

"That's next," she replied calmly as she slowly ripped apart her yearbooks and threw it into the metal trash can methodically, as though savoring the sound, the transfer from together to apart, incomplete and then no longer. _Ash to ash and dust to dust. Or however it goes_. She thought.

"Ah, I missed that humor," her friend replied.

If she believed in best friends as she used to they would be.

"Why the destruction, fire and brimestone? Got tired of making strangers cry?" The neighbor conitinued.

"They were taking up space." She said with a barely there smirk.

"You couldn't recycle?" Her friend said back quickly, their usual banter coming back easily.

"I'm cold, at least now they serve a purpose." She continued to slowly rip apart pages but finally looked up at her friend.

"You didn't bring any marshmellows? Where are those fast thinking skills I remember?" She continued with another smirk.

Instead of a response her friend gently elbowed her.

"Ow, Summer." Marissa replied as she held the last yearbook in her hand, her other arm holding her side.

"You insult me-you mess with the bull," the shorter brunette replied with a twinkle in her eyes.

Marissa's only response was to roll her eyes.

"I was going to say I missed you but nevermind," she said dragging out the never part.

"Oh Coop, you missed me. Plus, while we were on another ends of the good ol US of A, by the way, next time I'm just taking you with me on vacation, so...I ran into someone that I thought may help you...out of your...cheerful disposition," Summer said with a small smile. A very small smile.

"Ra Ra yay Newport," Marissa replied, her hands out to the side doing mock spirit fingers and then went back to tearing up the pages.

"Fine, but Alex said hello." Summer said nonchalantly. And then there was stillness. No noise, no tearing.

Chapter 2

_Alex..._

Marissa could only think of her name. She wasn't willing to admit their past moments, how there were genuinely content periods in her life where instead of embracing them like a normal person she felt out of place, unsteady and almost felt out of her body. Happiness? She once admitted she experienced it, but also bitterly accepted that she had jeoprodized it and the side effect was hurting someone else. The thought of Alex made her flinch. Sometimes she tried to seem like her usual blase self but whenever anyone said the name Alex she'd flinch in a barely noticeway way.

And now Alex out of the blue said hello. She felt like she didn't deserve the kind gesture or civility, but then again looking back she knew Alex was also hospitable underneath the indie-rock/punk look and mindframe she projected.

It had been days since Summer mentioned her ex but Marissa repeatedly tried to distract herself with work. It had been years since they had last seen each other. Now she was 22 and on her winter break for college. People were often shocked that she went to study business but Summer wasn't. Her best friend was conscious of the fact that almost everyone expected Marissa to go into fashion, something the taller brunette loathed, and Jimmy Cooper may have been sketchy to say the least but Marissa knew what it was to feel rich in a mansion and poor in a trailer park and in turn tried to make sure everyone was safe financially.

With a deep breath and pressing her fingertips into her temple she was growing frustrated. Its just a simple hello she reasoned. But Alex didn't had to say hello so it may mean that she'd want to see you or was thinking about you. Or she was just being nice. Or it was in passing and she didn't want to seem rude to Summer. Her thoughts went back and forth, more or less like a ping pong game.

Groaning in frustration she got up from her bed, bored by the ceiling, grabbed her car keys and headed downstairs, avoiding her mother as always.

The trip to the coffee shop was a blind drive, she didn't remember it. The habit of going from point a to point b was simple but the tall brunette had to take a long, deep breath while she stared at the options because for a moment she forgot where she was as she stood planted in her spot even after the customer before her left.

She also didn't notice when she took a step forward at the same time as someone else, slightly running into them and knocking their keys and cell phone to the floor.

"Oh...jesus, "she mumbled. "I'm sorry,'' she finished more clearly.

"Its not a problem, you were just testing to make sure gravity still works, right?" The other person replied in a laid back tone that offered a comedic escapism from an awkward moment.

"Of course and I'm not under an apple tree so I use whatever's handy." She said as she stood back up and held the keys out to the person as the cellphone was picked up by its owner.

Standing face to face Marissa almost dropped the keys again. With a smirk and making a subtle attempt to be a little more eye level Alex smirked at Marissa.

"Hi."

_What the hell! _

"Um...hi," Marissa said looking Alex over, no doubt in her mind with a wide eyed expression.

"Smooth," Alex said with a more obvious smirk but clearly wasn't patronizing or judging her. Marissa forgot that light teasing was part of the Alex Kelly charm.

_Oh just kill me now. _

"What're you doing here?" Marissa asked with a bit of shock slipping out.

"Well I think they have coffee here...and I'm in need of it. Energy is a thing of myth," Alex said but with that ever present smirk on her lips.

_Oh she looks cute. And good...not a blonde anymore. But...why is she tired? From a late night? Partying? Sex? Oh no. Not going there. No no. _

"I meant...in Newport." She clarified with a small sigh as a means to release her own tension.

"Family," Alex said bluntly, the smirk gone, her tone stoic and rather...

_Guarded. She's still guarded. Then again like I'm one to talk. Which is maybe what I should do instead of being in my head. _

"Okay," she said, leaving it at that and made way for a new topic. "Would you like to have coffee together?" She asked hesitantly and tilting her head to an empty table.

Her ex looked from the table to her phone, clearly checking the time and back up to Marissa eyes.

"I've got a half hour," the former blonde said with an upbeat edge to her tone.

Breathing another sigh which was clearly in relief, Marissa offered a small smile, unable to feel anything but something akin to happiness again slowly impact.

Chapter 3

Coffee together wasn't awkward or hesitant, they feel into an easy conversation; mostly about the last few years and work. They both avoided questions or discussion on significant others or any relationships and although Marissa felt Alex was guarded on more than a few levels they both left with each other's numbers with the agreeance that they'd meet up. And possibly without Marissa accousting her, Alex had said with her quickly becoming infamous smirk.

Four days had gone by and again Marissa was bored. To call or text, text or not to? She went back and forth, a little lion was caged in her head.

Frowning at her phone she picked it up and was about to text her when she recieved a text. Summer being Summer interrupted and said-just call her.

Rolling her eyes Marissa wasn't annoyed as some may be about having a slightly bossy and disturbingly in tune best friend. She didn't bother to reply because she knew Summer would bring it up later. Instead she exited the text and scrowled through her contacts to Alex which didn't give her enough time to debate more. Begrudgingly she pressed the call button and listened to the ringing.

It picked up on the third ring. And hating to leave voicemails Marissa was about to hang up.

"You're bored aren't you?" Alex said without a hello.

It was easy to hear that the former blonde was already teasing her and knew her, which somewhat annoyed Marissa that she was that predictable.

"Maybe I just wanted to see how you are," Marissa replied quickly and a little tersely.

"Hm...you've never been that considerate," Alex said cutting to the chase.

"Ouch." She said and paused. "I would be really offended if you were anyone else...but...you know first hand how...cruel I can be," Marissa said choosing her words.

"That was honest...and abbrasive," Alex said with shock but without criticism; just an observation.

"What's the point in lying?" Marissa wondered but was a real question.

"You used to do it. Often." Her ex replied matter-of-factly without malice.

"I know and I think I've been lied to enough, I don't need to do it to others," the brunette replied.

"This is...different,"Alex said wearily.

"Maybe its because I'm sick," Marissa replied point blankly as she massaged her head again. Another headache this week, worse than before.

"Oh. Would you like some company or something?" Alex offered sincerly, concern in her voice.

"I don't want to get you sick," the taller girl replied and closed her eyes from the light that was coming from her window after a cloud had stopped blocking the sun. She felt guilty for wanting Alex there, even at the chance it would feel awkward. But she knew she couldn't exploit her ex's soft side as she had done before.

"Whatever," Alex replied quickly. "My immune system is awesome, but thanks for your consideration," she said in an almost peppy tone with some joking arrogance thrown in.

"Alright, would you like to come over then, maybe watch a movie? Or maybe not, light isn't really helping. How about...'' she tried and heard loud noises that seemed like chaos in the background.

"If you give me a half hour to fourty-five minutes I'll be over."

Marissa wanted to ask why a half hour? Alex used to be instantaneous-drop everything and meet up with her. But now she didn't have that obligation and she knew it shouldn't be expected. It wasn't fair to expect anything.

"Alright," Marissa said and nodded to herself , trying not to sound disappointed.

"You're next to Summer's house now?"

"Yeah," Marissa said and drifted to her own thoughts that mostly contained critiques of herself that was slowly leadingto depression. Self-deprication had risen to a new level in the past few months.

"Okay, I'll see you later. Take some advil in the meantime," Alex said gently and hung up.

_That was abrupt._

"A half hour to fourty-five damn minutes to stop feeling like death warmed over," she mumbled to herself and fell back into bed.

_Ugh, forget that. Prepping can wait. _She thought and closed her eyes.


	2. Chapter 2

Author's Note: What I imagine Alex and Marissa to wear are linked in my profile. You may not like Marissa, as always I think Alex is easier to write but I'm trying something different. Since they're in their early 20's you can assume that Marissa has matured. Believe it or not this does have a plot. Thank you for the reviews-as always I'm surprised by anyone who reads these.

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Chapter 4

The banging woke her, though she had almost become a self-proclaimed professional at sleeping through noise...such as her mother talking, her mother screaming...her mother doing anything.

Grumbling she got out of bed and went to the front door, swiftly opening it while rubbing her eyes with her left hand to force the sleepiness away.

"This should help," the guest said gently holding out a cup of wonderfully scented coffee.

"Mmm thanks," Marissa replied in a nearly husky voice since she was still fully waking and looked over her guest. In the process she nearly dropped her unexpected treat.

Alex stood there, poised and certain as usual, but casual and looking less punk but still with an edge of attitude. The taller of the two had to start drinking the coffee to avoid her mouth from falling open.

"Come in," she mumbled and watched as Alex swiftly came into the house, calm as ever. Before Marissa could even shut the door her cell phone rang. Luckily she fell asleep with it in her pocket where it still was. And with a quick glance to the caller ID she held up her index finger to her ex and stepped outside to not seem rude, leaving the door open to wander in the yard.

"Yeah Sum?"

"Its so cute. She brought you a coffee," she said in a sweet tone. "And I highly doubt you asked her to pick you up something so she just did it, like she's in tune with your needs," she added.

"What are you out there with binoculars?" Marissa whispered with a bit of annoyance.

"Don't be silly," Summer replied in seriousness. "Or so dramatic," she continued. "The telescope is so much cooler," she said with an ever present joking tone.

At that Marissa rolled her eyes. "G'night Sum."

"Have fun." Summer finished in a light, almost singing voice knowing Marissa was going to hang up in a second.

Turning to go back into her house she took a large gulp of the coffee. _I said I'd prep and that was it. Thank you coffee._

"So...how's your head?" Alex asked with sincere consideration.

"A little better. Luckily its dark out." The taller woman said tersely.

"Watching a movie is out then. How about...we listen to music and you can tell me about the thrilling life of Newport," she said with a smirk.

"That sounds good. Unfortunately I don't have any music on me, its at the dorm." Marissa said with disappointment.

"There's something very wrong with you," Alex said with wide eyes. "My ipod owns most of my soul." She said with a frown. "But, its always on me," she finished with a smile which made Marissa smile lightly.

"Great," Marissa said with a sigh.

"You have a stereo, right-or anything I could hook it into? A computer?" Alex asked while taking a step closer to her ex. Marissa reaction was to take a small step back and fold an arm across her chest.

"Ah...yeah, over..." and she began to walk away, "here." She didn't see the frown briefly pass on the shorter woman's face as she picked up a cord that went to a stereo.

Not bothering to reply, Alex simply walked over, took out her ipod from her bag, though it was usually in her back pocket and plugged it in, scrolled through to a playlist and then set her mechanical soul on the table. It wasn't easy to stand their silently. A part of her wanted to ask Marissa why she was being stand offish and part of her thought it was just the headache. Looking back up at Marissa who had been watching her for the last minute she leaned against the table and waited for a cue. The slight stare off continued until Marissa laid down on the large, soft couch leaving Alex to lay across the other way considering it was in the shape of an L after she had set her bag down.

Mirroring Marissa she set her own coffee on the table and tried to settle into the cushions as Jolie Holland sang Old Fashioned Morphine. Something soothing to chase any headache away.

"What have you been up to today?" Alex tried after it was clear her ex wasn't going to start a conversation.

"I finished my papers a while ago so I did some research on a project and then fell asleep." She replied disinterested. Instead of trying a new approach to a different topic the older woman drank more of her coffee and chose her words.

"You've changed." She said without a critical tone.

"What's that suppose to mean?" Marissa replied and it came out a little defensive, causing her to frown at herself.

"You're just...harder." Alex said with her own frown.

"Yeah...well..." she started with a saddened tone, "I don't have a reason to be soft," she ended somewhat bitterly.

"Hm okay," the former blonde said in an unsure and discontent voice.

"What?" The tense girl got out in a more defensive tone.

"Its fine, forget it," the brunette said gently but with a frown.

"No, what?" Marissa asked, curiosity clear and getting the best of her as she sat up more and saw her ex shrug.

"I used to like that about you. How you were...just kind of delicate and you hadn't been hardened by...life I guess," Alex replied slowly as she looked at her coffee cup.

Before Marissa could reply, even after it had been a good forty seconds that Alex's words were sinking in her thoughts were cut off from a buzzing.

"Sorry, that's me," Alex got out as she was bringing her phone to her ear and turned away from the taller girl.

Marissa only watched and frowned then her gaze drifted off to the table, the floor and finally the music was reaching her ears. The calm wasn't helping, but she knew Alex had tried and she felt her shoulders fall, annoyed that she was the issue with their situation.

"Yeah, okay." Alex paused. "Alright. No, no, I'll be over," she said with absolute certainty and a sense of purpose. "Mhm, be there in ten minutes, yeah, thanks." And she ended the call. As she slipped her phone back in her front pocket she looked back at Marissa and gave a small smile.

"Something wrong?"

"Hopefully not a huge problem, but I have to go," Alex said and tried to seem calm but Marissa could tell she was upset.

"Do you need me to come with you?" She asked unsure if she was overstepping but wanted to offer anyway.

"No, I don't think that'd be good, it'll be fine. But call me if you want to get together or something," she said as she was halfway to the door and Marissa was following her.

"Okay, I hope...whatever's wrong is alright or...gets fixed," she said with a frown since she really didn't have any idea what was going on and she felt that still Alex was a mystery and some things never change.

"Okay, goodnight," the brunette said as she climbed into her jeep that was a different color and make, a fact that didn't go unnoticed by Marissa.

"Night," she said with a frown and closed the door after she had left, not bothering to watch her leave. With the door closed she breathed a heavy sigh and closed her eyes trying to tune everything out. Her senses were shutting down, it was almost like meditation which she had tried but could never be fully be comfortable with. The only thing that couldn't be forced out what the music.

_Shit. She forget her ipod. _


	3. Chapter 3

Author's Note: Should Jodie be in this? That's the question to anyone who's reading. And if you want to be clever you can look up any of the songs that I reference in any of my stories because they're intended to fit the situation/character/mindframe.

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Chapter 5

"No, I don't know why she left...No Sum, its been days." She paused and groaned while listening to her closest friend.

"I'll text her, maybe." She said with a frown.

"Oh no you will not," Summer said back quickly.

"How do you know?" Marissa said growing defensive.

"You're Marissa Cooper." Summer finished with certainty, that reason being enough explination to her.

"And?" Marissa said, still annoyed.

"You don't make the first move." Summer said as though it was more than obvious.

Marissa sighed and bit her lower lip, an action that she didn't know Alex thought was frustratingly cute.

"Okay Sum well I have to get some of the presentation done," Marissa said lamely.

"Riiiight," Summer said with a tone, seeing through her best friend's attempt at a new topic. "Whatever, love you all the same. Bye."

"You too, bye." Marissa replied and hung up, her shoulders dropping a moment later.

She swivled in her chair and looked at her computer, she looked through the pictures, some of her with friends and aquaintences in high school, her and Summer, her and Ryan, even DJ, none of Volchuck since he was Volchuck and some of her in college. She cringed at a couple, closed out of it and started to pace her room. Thoughts going back and forth like a pinball machine, only she wasn't getting any points. Not knowing how long she paced, sighed and repeated she stopped only when her phone beeped. On the screen it said Alex.

_Speak of the devil. _

"Would you like to do something?" Alex said cutting to the chase, no hello, no hi, hey, what's up, just to the point. Something Marissa had always liked in her but this time it flustered her, she needed a moment.

"Ah...I don't know, what do you have in mind?" She said with a frowning knowing how lame that came off.

"I have some free time, I figure we could get some coffee and go for a walk. Maybe on the beach." The shorter girl said with her usual calm.

"Alright."

"Great, you're at the McMansion, right?" Alex said back with a playful tone.

Stopping herself from rolling her eyes she could only smirk. "Yeah," she said back. A laugh almost making its presence known.

"Okay, I'll see you in 10-ish minutes," Alex said and hung up.

_Great. _She thought sarcastically and moved to stand in front of her mirror. She applied some mascara, some eyeshadow and clear lipgloss. It still looked natural but her features stood out more. With the rest of the time she put her school work away, some books she was looking at for pleasure on her own that fit her moods, mostly about miserable people with odd lives and her mind drifted off to some of the characters. Shaking her head and frowning she got up and looked out her window when music was blasting from a car that had pulled up.

"Oh My God..find a cure, find a cure for my life, I think I'm in control...pin a smile on my face...put a price on my soul...Oh My God!" The music kept repeating and even though the car was parked Alex still sat in her jeep beating on her steering wheel enthusiastically. An action that made Marissa smirk and enjoy the scene. In a minute she was standing next to the jeep, but her ex hadn't noticed her and was screaming the lyrics, barely being heard over the speakers. When the song was over she punched the stereo lightly ending the cd.

"Oh my god! Give me a heart attack! I didn't know you were there." Alex said with a slightly flushed face and a grin.

"And you're still quoting the song," Marissa said with a larger smirk whle nodding.

"I love this song to death!" Alex said with a massive smile.

"I can see that," Marissa said and kept eye contact with her ex. "Who is it anyway?" Marissa asked curiosly, liking what she heard.

"Ida Maria. You'll love it and since you stole my soul," she said narrowing her eyes, "you could have listened to it."

"Oh your ipod! Sorry, I'll get it," the taller woman said and went back into the house, coming back a minute later.

"A thank you," she said reaching out and gently placing it in its holder in her jeep. As she was putting it away she didn't notice Marissa flinch.

Shaking it off Marissa got in the jeep and buckled in.

"To the beach," she said trying to sound enthusiatic but failing.

"A noooo." Alex said playfully. "Coffee first!" She finished unable to control her happiness.

"Woah, who is this Alex with energy and excitement?" Marissa asked amused.

"I haven't been able to listen to music loudly for a while, lets just say I'm embracing the freedom of noise pollution and life saving caffeine," she said as they were on their way to the coffee shop.

"Then why don't you turn it back on?" She asked, the undertone evident that she wouldn't mind if Alex blasted her music.

"That's okay, we can talk...what'd you do today?" She tried as she focused on the road.

"Pretty much slept in and did some school work, pretty boring."

"Not really, you got to do what you want," Alex said with a shrug.

"You don't get to do what you want?" Marissa frowned, remembering that her ex was the type to usually do what she wanted, when she wanted. Its where part of the rebel attitude seemed to come from, but now it was seemingly pushed back.

"Not so much, obligations..." she trailed off, leaving that as the explination and end to that topic as she parked and got out slowly.

Marissa noticed that Alex was smooth in her actions but seemed tired.

"You okay?" She ventured, trying to start a new conversation.

"Yeah, why?" Alex said with a frown of her own.

"You seem...tired," she finished lightly, not wanting to seem rude.

"Ah well, I lift about 35 lbs continiously, daily," she said, straightening her back and stretching.

"Oh...um...if you want I can try to give you a massage later if it might help," she tried to extend her hospitality knowing she wasn't bad at giving them. Alex raised her eyesbrows and seemed to think it over.

"If you wouldn't mind I'd love one. We'll see if we have the time though," she said as she held open the door for Marissa. An action that the lighter brunnette found endearing as Alex stood there in her black, slim jacket, thin scarf and form fitting jeans.

"Thank you," Marissa got out and walked in, scanning the menu immedietly. Finding what she wanted in seconds she repeated it to the barista and Alex informed her what she wanted a second after and paid for them before the taller of them could protest. Seeing the look Marissa was giving her, eyes narrowed and annoyed she put up her hand that wasn't holding her wallet and said, "Hey, you can pay next time," and smiled.

"Deal." Marissa said with a small smile and they picked up their drinks since they managed to beat the rush given that it was in the afternoon and walked back out not bothering to get in the jeep considering they were near the pier. They began walking, both contently drinking their flavored coffees and occasionally bumping elbows accidently.

"What have you been doing lately?" Marissa started and hugged an arm around herself.

"Lots of work. Need to hit a quota and," before she could finish her phone rang. "Excuse me," she said as she moved her bag, tilted her arm up, grabber her phone and pressed it to her ear while moving away from Marissa, the action causing Marissa to pull her sweater around her tighter.

"Yeah?...Okay. No, I'll be back in a minute then. No, its fine. Just use the blanket, get a book or put on some music." She said and hung up, turning back to Marissa who had heard the one sided conversation.

"I'm sorry, but I have to go. Mind if I drop you back?" Alex apologized to avoid being rude but still managed to hold her phone tightly and seemed more tense.

"Okay, we'll reschedule that massage," Marissa replied with a gentle nod and a tone that didn't imply any hidden agenda.

"Great, I'm really sorry." The brunette tried again.

"Really, its okay. Are you going to be alright though?" Marissa asked with sincere consideration.

"Yeah, it'll be fine," Alex said tersely as they got back in the jeep, her mind clearly elsewhere, making Marissa glad they had gotten coffee so it was an excuse to not have to carry on a conversation when her ex was preoccupied.

The ride back was silent until Marissa got out.

"I'll call you," Alex said, her hand already on the shift to reverse out. Marissa felt odd that Alex would end a potentially nice time at the beach to take care of what she was just called about.

"Okay," Marissa said as though she could take it or leave it; though without the bitchy tone of using the term whatever. The rushed woman gave a small smile and exited the driveway and again Marissa was standing alone, aware of her isolation in the McMansion and perfectly trimmed landscaping that felt dull and all too fake.


	4. Chapter 4

Author's Note: Pardon the lack of review. I had some written out then the computer had an issue and I never remember what I write so either way hopefully this isn't dull. I seem to only find time to write after 1 AM and even if this doesn't seem as though there's a plot-believe it or not there is. And I know most people don't like Marissa but...I don't know, I like my versions of Marissa. Review if you'd like and thank you very much to those who have. Also does it amuse anyone that I never categorize my stories as romance when they have relationships in them? Maybe because I don't really believe in love. (Oh over share, how you're fun.)

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Chapter 6

Rain hit the windows and made everything more heightened. Marissa thought it was odd and unexpected since rain often meant people felt down and with that came the cliché gloom, but she felt heavier, the water sliding down the glass, the outside world became blurred, which she admitted genuinely showed what Newport was.

It made her feel weighted down, that she was really there, existing, but she also wanted to stop feeling so alive. She thought it was odd. Suicidal thoughts didn't cross her mind, she knew though that she felt somewhat guilty for being alive when others couldn't. Instead of thinking about that she'd try to read, though her focus would wane eventually and she'd be back to her thoughts. If only she had screamed stop, that she hadn't been browsing through an ipod for the ideal song, if she hadn't been distracted, and she considered these possibilities over an over again until she was interrupted. With a sigh she turned and grabbed her phone.

"Hello?" She asked unsure why Alex would be calling, the name appearing on the screen.

"I was wondering if you could tell me if you're busy in say….fifteen minutes?" She replied lightly. _Typical Alex. _Marissa thought._ Cutting to the chase. And why the hell not? Life's short…_

"Marissa?" Alex asked with a hint of worry in her voice, the occupied girl not realizing there was that awkward silence.

"No, not busy," Marissa replied gently with a frown.

"Okay so how do you feel about taking a walk on the beach?"

"Can I ask a favor first?" Marissa replied still frowning as she considered how out of the blue Alex's call was.

"No, I'm off the clock," came the ex's reply but Marissa could hear the edge of humor in her voice and knew she was joking, that dry humor was something she had missed without realizing it.

"Can…"

"What? No Jodie, I'll be back in maybe 2 hours…why would you need that? Jodie, we've discussed this…"

As Marissa heard the conversation her mental gears were working, why was Jodie there? They were still friends? Or more than friends? Shaking her head she dismissed it and sighed, knowing fully well that she didn't have a right to Alex or to be the least bit annoyed.

"What was the favor?" Alex asked, getting back to the conversation with her ex.

She was going to ask if she could bring her ipod but rethinking it she didn't want the distraction, the possibility of a repeat and she cringed into the phone at the thought of it.

"Nothing, I'll see you in fifteen then?" Marissa said in an almost cold voice and she cringed again at how cold hearted she sometimes felt, though the word disconnected would also pop into her mind as the perfect adjective for her current state.

"Ah yeah, see you then," the former blonde said but seemed to have lost her slightly upbeat tone from when she first called.

"Bye," Marissa said without much energy and tossed her phone on the bed only to pick herself up, cross her room and grab a sweater from her closet. If they were going to go to the beach she knew she'd end up cold, she was always cold, it was rare when she felt warm.

For the next few minutes she stood in her bathroom looking herself over. She was thinner from when she was in high school, she looked like she needed sleep on account of the immense desire to avoid dreaming and her general lack of care. There were moments when she hated that guys would look at her, she wasn't an idiot, she knew they were interested and even some girls looked at her but it was just another reminder that she was walking around, breathing, more or less having a life when someone else wasn't.

To busy herself for a few minutes she washed her face, put some concealer on to cover the dark spots under her eyes, some clear lip gloss, some tan, almost golden eye-shadow and mascara. At the final touch her phone beeped with a new text message. Grabbing it she opened the text to see it say-come out come out wherever you are

Smirking at her phone she put everything back in a drawer and headed downstairs. Once outside she gave a brief, barely there smile to Alex who she begrudgingly admitted looked annoyingly good in her black pants and loose sweater that had a dark red shirt peaking out of it.

"Hi," the driver said easily.

"Hi, so you don't have work?"

"I did, but I got out early since everything was done and I thought I'd go relax since it's a rarity." She replied with ease, as she looked the passenger over.

"Mmm well if you're not too tired after the beach I can give you that massage I promised," she said with a shrug.

"We'll see, depends on the time and if I get a call," Alex kept on as she backed out of the driveway.

"Yeah…why all the calls by the way?" Marissa as slowly, knowing she didn't want to seem pushy, but she was curious.

"Beach first," Alex replied as she avoided eye contact and drove. With another frown Marissa turned her head to look at the road too and didn't bother to keep up the conversation. In a few minutes she could feel Alex becoming anxious, she kept glancing over, would open her mouth a little to start up a new conversation and then close it again, at one point she even started to bite her lower lip and appear pensive, the act slightly amusing Marissa but also making her confused that it was cute. Shaking her head she slouched into the seat more and looked out the window. She didn't want to talk, they didn't have to, and she had plenty of thoughts that kept bombarding her anyway.

"We're here," Alex said as the jeep came to a stop and she pulled up the emergency break. Marissa looked at the jeep, just realizing that it was a standard. It was peculiar that she hadn't noticed before, but Alex drove very smoothly and with confidence but she flinched thinking that she knew someone else who drove an automatic.

"Hey, you okay?" The former blonde said with clear worry.

"I'm fine," Marissa got out and closed her eyes for a second, knowing it came out snippy. They sat in the jeep for another second, both hesitant. It was a nice day out and Marissa felt that she was killing it or at least the potential for them to enjoy a nice day.

"Are you sure?" Alex replied in a patient tone as she turned in her seat to face her ex.

_If I say no then it'll be a long conversation and no one really wants to know if a person isn't doing okay. I'm fine, I'm always fine, it'll be okay. It'll be okay._

"Marissa?" Alex asked a little more loud, trying to clearly edge her back.

"I'm fine, lets go," she said abruptly and got out of the car only to hear Alex shut her door a solid thirty seconds later after she had let out her own sigh.

"Marissa," Alex said with more force to the taller girl's back to prompt her to turn around.

"You know what, this might not be a good idea," Marissa said to the ocean, her back still turned.

"I just want to know if you're okay," was Alex's gentle reply.

"I said I'm fine," the college student said with some edge.

"And you think I can't tell when you're lying to me?" Alex said with more certainty, but still contained a soft tone.

"You want honesty?" Marissa said with anger as she turned around.

"If you wouldn't mind," Alex responded as she stood her ground, her hands in her pockets patiently waiting, not taking the bait to argue back.

"How about you tell me why you have to go when you get a call? Or why you were talking to Jodie?" Marissa said growing defensive.

"I really don't have to answer those but I will. After you tell me what's wrong," Alex said calmly and emphasized the word after.

"I'm fine," the taller woman said with narrowed eyes.

"Try again," Alex said with patience and continued to hold Marissa's gaze even though the ocean looked beautiful behind her.

The younger girl was becoming more irritated. Alex was known to wait when something mattered, she may seem hard but the girl incredibly understanding and in tune with the world that she seemingly tried to push away with her projected attitude.

"Accidents…they fucking happen. That's a fact," Marissa said coldly. Her voice seemed foreign to herself but she continued with another frown. "I feel emotionless and so fucking judgmental and cold that…I can rationalize it and say accidents happen," she said, stressing the words accidents happen and then softened her voice to say, "But they really shouldn't."

And she paused to stare at the ground that seemed so solid and sure of its foundation even though the ocean was so close and could take it apart.

"And…I feel cold-hearted that I think he wasn't doing much with his life. He smoked pot regularly, he hated his job…but everything I'm doing he doesn't get to do-eat, drive, read, see a movie…and I watched him die." She continued and her voice sounded surreal even to herself. "Watched seems passive doesn't it?" She said and she looked up at Alex who's eyes had enlarged.

"But I called out his name, I tried to reach out to him, the car…just hit us and I was moving closer to him but…" she stopped, her voice choking off and she pulled her arms around her tighter.

"Marissa…" Alex said in a whisper.

"So…like I said. I'm fine." Marissa said bitterly and turned towards the beach leaving Alex behind in shock.


	5. Chapter 5

Author's Note: Considering I seem to have time to myself past midnight I'm somewhat surprised that I'm writing right now as I roast some veggies. (By the way F thanksgiving. I plan on watching the Buffy Halloween ep-titled: Pangs. Then I will sleep.) Hopefully the update is worthwhile.

* * *

Chapter 7

Alex stood there, staring at the ground, unknown to Marissa her intense frown, though she could feel her behind her when Alex fixed her eyes on the distressed girl's back. And Marissa admitted that she was tense, her back felt like rocks, her spine was locked up, and she continued to look at the waves. They seemed cold with the white caps crashing down and the crisp air hitting her face that helped her to feel physically numb.

She didn't bother to turn her head when she felt Alex take a slow sweat next to her on the sand. It wasn't meant to seem as though she were ignoring her ex, she simply didn't want to look at Alex's caring eyes, knowing full well that would trigger her desire to breakdown, an intense desire that she tried to push back daily. Instead she sighed and narrowed her eyes at the waves as though daring them to come closer and try to harm her. She welcomed the challenge, the idea of being torn apart and crushed would certainly bring her close to death and in fact she didn't know if she would fight or let the waves take her. Again she sighed; her thoughts conflicting back and forth. During her inner turmoil she felt Alex lean forward, her arms resting on her knees, as she looked her over with consideration. The silence was palpable but not overbearing, they were at ease.

Instead of pulling information out of Marissa, Alex remained calm, half an arms length away from her. Neither felt uncomfortable, but the situation held weight. The large issue was the silence. Most people can't stand silence but Alex knew that Marissa couldn't be forced to discuss anything that was on her mind, she'd talk about it when she wanted.

"He was a friend. We had some classes together….he was nice. We had a very laid back friendship. Watched movies, goal carts, music shopping…" she paused and sighed. The details were tiring her with all the memories floating in her mind.

"After the accident his girlfriend, who I had become friends with thought he and I were dating." She got out with a strained voice, it nearing its breaking point. "She knows I'm not interested in guys, that I'm gay," she finished slowly and sighed again, the action becoming a trend. "That's the first time I'm admitted it. Its not even a big deal that I'm gay. People assumed I was bi in college, but they never thought I was dating him. And I get it, its…easier to think we were seeing one another. Blame is easy, right?" She asked to no one but knew Alex was listening.

The former blond only gave a light nod to indicate that it was true and that she was listening.

"Anger is easier than sadness. Its quick…..I'm angry at myself. There could have been a million things different. That I was pay attention to the road, that I wasn't trying to find the right song that fit the day…that we didn't end up in an accident." She paused and breathing in deep to start discussing it more but Alex cut her off.

"You can't control everything." She said gently. "It was an accident."

"Accidents aren't suppose to happen, accidents are brought on by fucking mistakes. Plain and simple." Marissa said bitterly and turned to look at her ex who still looked at her without judgment.

"No," Alex tried again in a softer tone but held a confrontational edge as she continued… "the world isn't black and white. All there is-is grey, variations of grey," she finished knowingly.

Marissa frowned again, as though Alex had just thrown a rock at her glass house. She looked like she wanted to argue but instead Alex took her hand with consideration as though non-verbally asking if it was alright.

"I can't tell you anymore than that. I wish I could. It wasn't your fault," she said with certainty and ran her thumb over Marissa's hand.

This time Marissa didn't break her gaze from Alex's. She felt her hand hold the older woman's hand tighter as though it had a will of its own. They sat in silence for a while. The cold making its way into their bones, the comfortable air between them akin to how they were years ago.

It must have been over twenty minutes later when Alex's phone beeped. Keeping a tender hold on Marissa hand as she slightly turned her head to answer the call.

"Yeah Jodie?"….. "Now?"…. "Okay, alright, yeah, we'll be there soon."…. "Yes we….mhm. Marissa and myself. You've known me for years, I hope you can remember who I am," she said jokingly to lighten the mood. "Okay, yeah, bye."

Marissa lifted her eyes that were formerly peering at the sand as though it held hidden secrets on how to remain in existence when everything was beating against it. "You can drop me off at my place if you want," she offered her ex as a means to get out of having to deal with her if she had obligations even though her interest was still peeked as to why Jodie called.

"No, no…"she said softly. "Would you mind coming? I mean if you have things to do today…" she lingered off.

"No, no plans," Marissa replied softly and looked down to see their hands still connected.

"Okay then, off to see the wizard." She said with a barely there smirk and a light tone, knowing full well that their brief discussion was still hanging in the air, knives above their heads and the conversation had only grazed the surface.

"To OZ," Marissa said in an equally light tone as she was gently being lifted from the ground with the help of Alex as the shorter girl softly pulled her up.

The short walk back to the jeep was calm, their hands still in one anothers and released only when Marissa grabbed the handle. Alex didn't bother with music, the silence wasn't hard, they were used to it and it was oddly calming. In less than several minutes the former blonde parked the jeep and looked over at her ex.

"Welcome to OZ," she said with a smirk, mimicking Marissa's previous enthusiasm which was a refreshing turn from the intense conversation, and cut the engine. The brunette got out smoothly, followed by the taller girl who waited, unsure at the door after she had caught up to Alex.

Jodie's going to be in there. Okay, I can't assume that, but its safe to assume it. And why is Jodie always calling?

Alex didn't take out her keys, the door was already opened as she grabbed the handle and turned it. She hesitantly opened the door, poking her head into the narrow space and pushed it open more to fit her body in and then Marissa's. When they were safely in Marissa noticed Alex's smirk even though she was incredibly confused.

_Does this place get broken into a lot? What the hell?_

Two seconds later little nerf missiles were coming at them. Three had hit Alex, one had hit Marissa, her mouth falling open in shock as she looked at the floor where the spongy weapon landed and then to Alex who was trying to hold in laughter. No more than six seconds later a little boy ran out from a corner and said a gleeful voice, "sneak attack, I got you, I got you!"

"Yeah you did little man." Alex said happily as she picked him up, allowing Marissa to take in his outfit more which was a little punk-ish and a little whimsical given the emerald green cone hat. Her ex turned closer to Marissa.

"Meet the wizard." She said with a larger smile as though she was unable to contain herself as she wrapped her arms around him protectively.

"Um, hi," Marissa said with raised eyebrows. She wanted to smack her forehead. _Um, hi. That's the best you could come up with?_

"Mommy, I want food." He said pleadingly as he looked at Alex lovingly. The words though sent Marissa's head reeling even as they continued talking and Alex kept eye contact shifting between the happy kid in her arms and Marissa.

"And you couldn't eat anything Jodie made why?" She said with a smirk to the child.

"I don't like food unless I like it," he replied-drawing out the words like as though that made every bit of rational sense and everyone should already know that. It was common four year old knowledge.

"I see." She said with certainty and a pause. "Maybe Marissa and I can find something for you then Mr. Picky," she said with another smirk as she set him back down and her ran to the kitchen. Alex looked over to Marissa who still seemed in shock but she kept it light as though it wasn't a big deal even though they both knew this was surreal and unexpected.

"Shall we?" Alex asked with unaware charm as she tilted her head over to the open kitchen.


	6. Chapter 6

Author's Note: Thanks-taking is a pointless tradition built on lies. "It's a celebration of ritual animal slaughter…but with pie."-Anya (from Buffy the Vampire Slayer). It doesn't take a genius to realize I dislike the "holiday" just as much as I dislike X-mas. On that notion-here's the update. Thank you Vanamo for the kid's name.

* * *

Chapter 8

Marissa sat there for almost a half hour observing, watching with wide eyes and shock. After ten minutes her face relaxed but she still felt overwhelmed. To say it was surreal would be an understatement.

Alex with a kid. Alex has a kid. Is he her's? Is he Jodie's? And again….Alex has a freaking kid.

Her mind kept going in loops, the same theme, without any answers and she couldn't bring herself to talk for various reasons. She kept watching and what shocked her even more was how natural Alex seemed with a kid; at ease as if she was made to be a mom. In tune with the child, smiling, using the occasional funny voice to get him to laugh, understanding and engaged. She even had a maternal vibe coming off her which she now had no idea why she hadn't picked up on it. She was protective and somewhat glowed. It just seemed so easy.

How the hell does she do it? It seems so freaking natural to her. And I can't even focus on my classes sometimes…most of the time…but she's a mom. She's only 24.

"Connor, you can use your fork." Alex said with a smirk, cutting Marissa away from her thoughts and re-focused on the scene at hand.

They had found him a new snack, some vegetables, dip, and a small cookie. At the moment he was shoveling the veggies into his mouth, which Marissa thought was shamefully cute.

"I don't wanna," the child replied without a whine that was usually present in children, Marissa considered.

"Connor, we're civilized," Alex said with a smirk and fixed her gaze on him.

"Nope, I'm a monkey." He said with a wide smile.

"Listen up Con Man, use your fork please or…Jodie will be in charge of your snacks for a week," Alex said with an equally large smile.

Marissa only stared on in amusement and found it to be endearing. Of course the name Connor suited him, he was a smart kid, anyone could tell that from the get go. He immediately picked up his fork and used it, clearly not enthusiastic about Jodie making him his meals. Marissa found it odd that she and Connor didn't speak much to one another. He asked the typical, curious questions-who are you?

"I'm Marissa, a friend of your mom."

"Do you want some of my carrots?" He asked sweetly.

"Finish them please, don't hand 'em over to Marissa in hopes she'll help," Alex cut in with a smirk and a light tone, seeing through his offer and not so altruistic gesture.

"No thank you," Marissa said trying to contain her laughter with a genuine smile as Connor picked up another carrot but with a youthful attitude.

In no time an hour had gone by, much to Marissa's amazement. She hadn't said anything, simply watched and soaked it all in. She didn't follow Alex into Connor's room when she put him down for a nap, instead she remained seated in the small kids chairs that were in the playroom. When Alex had come back she leaned against the door frame and didn't say anything. She seemed relaxed in fact, whereas the younger woman felt a little on edge now that it had sunk in.

"Is he yours?" Marissa asked bluntly and without tact and then flinched at her own words as she watched Alex cross her arms over her chest and take a sigh.

"No," she replied gently and paused. But the pause, which Marissa expected didn't lead into a further explanation so she got up and leaned against the other side of the door frame that was surprisingly wide considering they were French doors that slid into the wall.

"Is he Jodie's?" Marissa asked with a frown, not believing it for a second but felt it was necessary to ask for clarity. A small smirk followed on Alex's lips.

"No…his parents, they died in an accident," she said softly and strained as she avoided looking at Marissa. "I was his godparent," she said making eye contact to watch Marissa nod tersely. "Why I would be a god parent is beyond me, not that I had a choice, and not that I didn't want to be once it was brought up…but that someone would willingly choose me…I think they needed their heads examined," Alex said with a small smile trying to lighten the atmosphere.

"But you're good at it. They made the right choice." Marissa said gently with the compliment evident. "And now…you have a kid," Marissa said in all seriousness.

"No, he's a really well made robot," Alex said dryly to provide an attempt at humor. Marissa appreciated it but it felt like too much. More responsibilities, she'd have to watch herself, she had to be more on guard and if she couldn't stop her friend from dying how did Alex expect her to even be around a kid and keep him safe? These thoughts kept jumping around in the younger girl's head, only they came with little inflictions of pain in the process of forming a headache.

"I…think I need to go." Marissa said, standing up straighter and making her way to the door.

"I freaked you out didn't I? This…freaks you out?" Alex said calmly as though she already knew the answer.

"No," she said quickly, "…maybe…yes," as she made her way to the door and Alex followed, without rushing but steadily.

"So this is it, an end to a friendship before it starts?" Alex said with raised eyebrows as though daring her.

"This was never a friendship," Marissa said with an edge of bitterness. It wasn't fair. Marissa had it in her mind that Alex was suppose to make things better as she had before, more simplified and easier and dare she say it-happier. But she didn't want to jinx it. And now Alex was overwhelming her and twisting her expectations. It felt even more off kilter when she felt Alex gently wrap her arms around her waist and slowly pull her closer.

"I kind of missed you," Alex said softly as though she didn't want Marissa to fully hear her.

"Kind of?" The lighter brunette asked with uncertainty.

"I'd never admit it," Alex said softly as she leaned back against the wall.

"Because you're fucking difficult and hard to be with," Marissa got out bitterly. Although she saw Alex's facial expression that was similar to a slap across the face, the older girl still kept a gentle hold on her. Didn't pull away. Instead she did the opposite and again threw Marissa's head in another unexpected direction. The cruel words were meant to force Alex to let go, let her leave, allow her to escape anything that felt too real or too close to real. She pulled her closer and breathed her in, her nose grazing her neck.

"I missed your skin." She said in a whisper as if the moment could break. "Your skin." She said as she pressed her fingertips into her lower back and Marissa felt her body betray her and shift closer as though they were magnets as Alex sighed. "Even the way you use your words as weapons." She finished and looked at her square in the eye, unwavering and focused.

"And I dare you to stay the rest of the day," Alex got out as she kept a delicate hold on her ex, giving her a comfortable space she knew the other girl needed to decide.


	7. Chapter 7

Author's Note: Ready for a really long note? No? Okay skip to the chapter then. But its almost 4 AM. I have to be to work at 9 then go to my other job till 9:30 I believe so that's 10 hours of work in a while….and again there's too many notes in my phone about this story so I think updating is best since I'm using my friend's computer. Also I've heard so much Christmas music since the day after thankstaking that this holiday needs to end! I want time to relax instead of my last day off having been Dec. 1st and before that I had 4-6 days off in November. But hopefully the update is worthwhile. (And I'm stealing quotes from my witty friends. Lastly-nothing is meant to be offensive.)

"Can you take me back?" Marissa asked gently and kicked herself for not wanting to stay. She was disappointed in herself that she wanted to leave.

"Yeah," Alex said without emotion after the smirk that was threatening to become a smile vanished from her face. "Sure," she said lightly. "Let me just call Jodie to watch him, I'll be out in a minute," she continued as she had started to pull her phone from her pocket and turn around.

Marissa didn't bother to say okay, instead she walked out of the apartment and stood near the jeep.

What the hell am I thinking? Alex is a good person. Okay, she's a great person and you're blowing her off. Why? Because she has a son and its more complicated? Why's it more complicated? You don't even know if she's interested in you. And hell-why do I keep talking to myself?

"God damn it." She said aloud in frustration.

"Have you ever read the bible?" Came the curious, but controlled voice.

"Ah no," Marissa said while lifting her eyes to Alex who was standing next to the driver's side and about to climb in.

"Spoiler alert-Jesus dies!" She said with another trademark smirk.

Marissa had to laugh at that. It was very Alex to be random and charming at the same time. Pausing to consider that Alex really could be charming and with ease, Marissa slowly got into the jeep as though she were rethinking the situation. But she had already voiced her opinion. In the next few minutes the two women didn't speak to one another. Marissa felt a bit self-conscious and stayed in her mind while Alex seemed to project this calmness. The only give away was her clenching her jaw and trying to inconspicuously rub her left temple.

When Alex parked the jeep she seemed hesitant and yet bit her lip to refrain from speaking. She quickly stopped that and instead opted to breathe deeply.

"So…" Marissa tried.

"I have to get back," Alex said with a sigh. Marissa hadn't noticed until now how tired Alex looked. She had circles under her eyes that maybe rivaled her own.

Fuck I feel like such a bitch.

"But you can call if you need anything," Alex offered lightly, ever the considerate person she was beneath the slightly punk exterior.

That always throws people off. Marissa thought. People think she's a bitch but she's one of the most…in tune person I know. And she's always going to surprise me.

And again Marissa started to chastise herself for cutting off the potential.

"Okay, thanks" Marissa said with barely veiled disappointment as she got out of the car without a look back.

All she wanted to do when she entered her room was to take a shower. In a few minutes she stripped out of her clothes, leaving them on the floor as she turned the water on and removed her hair tie to let her hair hang loose. She didn't bother to turn on the lights. With the overcast showing in the skylight she liked the mood. It had become her routine to shower without lights or at night with a candle. The flame would flicker with the shadows flickering over previous spaces of dim light and Marissa thought it looked like a game and then it would hit her that she was playing tag with happiness. But she never caught it.

This time she tried to stop herself from thinking. The downfall was how Alex devoured her thoughts. It was a nice distraction from her mind constantly replaying the accident. She had to admit that she thought her ex had become more attractive since discovering she had a son.

She's a mother…and a loving one. It's a softer side to the girl I used to know but…we aren't the same as we were before. Alex is even more mature than before. Oh fuck. She probably thinks I'm a mess. That's why she offered the call if you need anything line. F. F. F. Fuck.

Turning off the water, getting out and drying herself off, only to lay on her bed in a towel she felt that the realization hit her. Alex pitied her. She wasn't dense. Alex had a new life, she had a very nice apartment, she knew Alex could tell she was more or less miserable and the McMansion never meant anything but an empty symbol. Sighing Marissa took off the towel, pulled back the covers and got in. Exhaustion hit her, not physical but mental. Though she was fully aware that the physical part would settle in soon as she closed her eyes and tried not to care.

When she woke up she felt stiff and confined. Pushing the blankets away from her but keeping them on herself she stretched and heard her joints crack. The popping of her shoulders made her cringe as though her body wasn't really connecting to her. She wished it was that easy though. That emotional healing was as easy as moving joints back into place or putting on a cast. She was cynical enough to know that those notions were far from realistic.

She stayed in bed, hair almost dry, clothes still on the floor for another two hours. When boredom became too much she got up, went to her closet and put on some comfortable pants and a zip up hoodie.

I'm staying in. Don't care. No one cares what I look like anyway. She thought as she turned on her computer to read her emails. The professors had the grades posted. She passed all her classes, mostly with A's and one B in a class she didn't really care about. To be honest she signed in and went to maybe three entire classes so Marissa shrugged and accepted the B. Scrolling through she looked at her classes for next semester which was over a month away. How she had forgotten that fact she didn't know, but the term was over and time was moving slowly in Newport.

Although that took five minutes out of her day she again felt tired and climbed into bed. It was very welcoming and comforting to the point that Marissa mumbled to herself that it was the bed's fault and not her possible depression.

Two days continued like this. She got out of bed, occasionally ate, ignored her texts that turned into calls from Summer and showered in the dark.

For some reason, she couldn't explain, by day three she was freaking tired of being lazy and had an epiphany. Getting up and turning on the computer she emailed her professors and informed them she wouldn't be coming back to the university and was transferring. A few phone calls to the student services and she withdrew, but in order to avoid guilt and make her claims legitimate she searched for nearby schools she was interested in and found one within twenty-five miles.

In a few hours she had contacted their administration department and was having her former college on the east coast fax over her records as she emailed two professors for letters of recommendations. They both said that due to the break they'd have them for her in four to five days. She worked on the rest of her application and now only had the recommendations to worry about. It wasn't great but she called Kirsten and Sandy Cohen to see if they could talk to the administration knowing they were important and knew the school since they were big people, though humble, in town.

She had to admit that conversation was a little odd but her best friend was dating their son and they really didn't seem to mind. Thankfully they didn't press for further reason as to why she wanted to leave and go to a place closer to home. She couldn't bring herself to correct them and note that she would never call this place a home, but she suspected they already knew the reason why she wanted to escape and start new.

Another hour later she was searching for an apartment closer to the campus. It was pointless to fool herself. With the Cohen's prompting, her grades and recommendations she'd get in. Even if it was a special circumstance and rushed.

Most places didn't have pictures but she found some ideal places and called them. One was already booked and a couple more were showing today and tomorrow. The people she talked with seemed nice and put together, if anyone could tell that over the phone, but she couldn't help but get wrapped up in the prospect of having her own place. Not a dorm, not an on campus apartment that's basically a dork. Her own place.

Well you only live once.

Getting dressed and looking much more presentable she put on some make-up and texted Summer, having felt neglectful for ignoring her close friend. The conversation, though brief, was understanding and ended with Summer calling and screaming at her.

"Coop you're coming to live here? That's great! Now you can experience my worry and also my intense need to have a shopping buddy up close and personal!"

Rolling her eyes at that moment never felt more natural but she felt better about the situation and knew she needed Summer. She wasn't just her friend, she was her sister and family.

"Love you too Sum," She said with a genuine smile. "I've gotta go check out some apartments so we'll talk later." She said with more cheer in her voice that had been lacking for days.

"Okay okay, don't let me distract you, but when you get a place 1-I better approve of it and 2-we're going apartment shopping." She finished with absolute certainty.

"Of course, bye Sum," Marissa said with light laughter and hung up.

By the time she checked out one apartment she didn't really care for it. It didn't seem like a studio in the pictures but it was and frankly she wanted some walls. The second apartment was better but it still didn't fit her style or standards. Pulling up to the third one she raised her eyebrows at the exterior. It looked like an upgrade and she laughed internally thinking that she felt like Goldie Locks. Maybe the third one would be just right.


	8. Chapter 8

Author's Note: If anyone can figure out the 3 references (which are rather obscure, 2 movies and 1 TV show) many points to them. Also this is a choppy chapter since this story needs to be done in the next chapter. And of course random things people say and do are put into my story here. Lastly if anyone wants to read a Zombie one shot based on some underrated books feel free to read the one in my profile.

* * *

She couldn't sleep. There were too many thoughts reaching every part of her mind. So many things now seemed to come together. _There was a plan_, though she admitted it was vague, it was still a plan. Since she has found the ideal apartment and was going to move in it in two days she felt on edge and oddly excited. The feeling was something like a ghost, something she had thought she had lost, but now felt like a pheonix rising from something previously thought dead and gone. These renewed emotions were like a distant relative to happiness.

Grief, depression, resentment were now starting to chip away and it felt utterly surreal. Her mind kept wandering, she almost felt overwhelmed.

_Should I get a pet...a fish...a dog? I should get some plants, maybe...either way I'll have Summer help me. And I still have to tell her the news that I'm staying. Mmm i don't have to go back to that college, I'm not running away, I just need a change. I can get a nice bookshelf and fill it, I might even get a job, even though mommy dearest will pay for it since she's been asking for me to come back for months...but she won't be coming over everyday. The whole point of having my own place is to be more independent. Like Alex...Alex_.

And then an entirely different pattern of thoughts started from there.

_We aren't even on a solid ground, I doubt she's going to care I'll be staying. But her...son...her son? Yeah, he's basically her son, he's adorable and smart and it fits her being a mother. Unexpected but she's beautiful and it seemed so natural for her_.

"Ugh," she grunted out loud. "I need to sleep," she said to the walls. She was tired of listening to herself and her own thoughts consume her energy. Instead of starting another train of thoughts she focused on thinking about blackness and visualizing blackness. About ten minutes later she was asleep.

When she woke up she felt relaxed but a bit on edge, how she managed to feel both at the same time baffled her to a degree but it was better than feeling numb. Packing and gathering the few things she cared about and putting them into her car after discussing finances and the apartment with Julie Cooper Nicohls was surprisingly easy, although when Julie made a step to hug her daughter Marissa instinctually stepped back. With a barely concealed sigh Julie accepted the rejection and tried to give her daughter space.

The rest of the day Marissa was with Summer. After breaking the news to her and almost losing her hearing over it from her friend's screams they of course went to the mall where Marissa did a great deal of listening while Summer talked about Seth, The Cohens, her dad, and lastly a certain punk Alex. Marissa had to smirk because it was clear the shorter girl was working up to it. The taller woman kept it brief. She didn't have any expectations, if anything happened then it would happen and she wasn't going to call her, end of story. Summer could only nod and then become distracted by a store window.

A solid two and a half hours later Marissa had a car loaded and then some in Summer's. Somehow Summer knew this was going to happen so she demanded they drive seperately. As Marissa parked in her driveway that she would soon be saying goodbye to she felt her phone buzz in her pocket. Turning off her car she answered it without looking.

"Hello," she said in a distrated tone.

"Hi," came a gentle voice.

"Hello," she said again and hide her playful tone that was threatening to show while she remained in the car.

"Hi," responded the caller a little more contently.

"Mmm I think we already deja'd this vu." Marissa replied and got a laugh from the caller.

"So...if you don't have any plans...I thought we could go for a smoothie or milkshake if you're not busy," came the question with ease containing an edge of charm.

"I can meet you at the pier in ten..ish minutes," she replied.

"Okay, see you then."

Marissa ended the call, started her car and gave a slight glare to Summer who pulled in alongside her to drop off the bags in the McMansion. The lighter brunette wasn't an idiot and they both knew it, Summer did what Summer does and gently coaxed potential to fruition. Waving to her friend that was more like a sister Marissa left her driveway and calmly drove to the pier. When she parked she felt a bit weightless. There was a weight that didn't press on her so much, it was still there, but it wasn't as overbearing as before. And when a small voice called her name and she turned towards the sound she couldn't stop herself from smiling.

He was jogging up to her, come chocolate on his cheek and his hands up as he was within a foot of her. Squatting down she picked him up, surprised but loving that he was entusiastic to see her.

"Con Man has anyone ever told you you're crazy?" She said with a smile and she stood back up and held him while he positioned himself on her hip to be held eaiser.

"All the time," he said as though it was no big deal.

"But the crazy people get to have all the fun," Alex said ruffling his hair as she caught up to him.

It was cliche to say that Marissa felt her heart ache a bit, maybe for nostalgia, for the chance, but whatever the reason she didn't want to overanalyze it. She just wanted to feel...which is something she never fully let herself do when she had been with Alex.

"Smoothie or milkshake-your choice." Alex said with ease as though they often gathered together like this on a whim and as though Connor saw Marissa to the point that he was familiar with her instead of the one time.

"Smoothie," the taller woman said with a small smile as she held the boy as he didn't make a plea to get down.

"There's no chocolate in smoothies," he said with a degree of sadness.

"True, but you already helped yourself to chocolate mister. You snuck it," Alex said accusingly and playful.

"That's becaaaaause I'm a smoooooth criminal," he said with a huge smile that took up most of his face.

Marissa couldn't help it. She burst out laughing, unrestrained and stopped walking she was laughing so hard with her eyes closed. When she oepened them she looked at Connor and saw how happy he was, full of innocence and without a doubt an Alex edge to him, that smart-alecness that came so unwittingly. The taller felt Alex staring at her and relaxed her hold on Connor. She didn't want to squeeze him too hard, even if he was a great source of instant happiness.

The shorter woman only looked on with a bit of wonder at how beautiful Marissa looked when she really smiled and let herself laugh.

She's leaving in a few days. Even though this is...beautiful..there's no point in getting attached.

"You want him back?" Marissa asked after seeing Alex's smile falter.

"Nope, I'm good, the little devil will likely use you as a trampolin soon," she said with a knowing smirk.

"So long as I get a hug," she said looking at Connor. Marissa completely admitted she could fall in love with this kid_. He has a warmth to him, probably a trait that came from Alex_, she considered as she started walking again towards the smoothie stand.

"Mmm...so...how've you been?" Alex started without a prying tone.

"Fine," Marissa said as she kept her eyes on Connor's. Although she looked less tense she still exuded a barrier.

The former blonde tried to direct to conversation somewhere else and took in a deep breath only to close her mouth.

"Fine for dropping out of college, getting a new place, going shopping to the point that my brain couldn't process anymore suggestions from Summer." She said nonchalantly.

"You dropped out of college?" Alex asked raising her voice an octave in a non-accusatory tone.

"I dropped out of a college. Let me verify. I'm going to apply to one...around here," she said gently.

"Marissa Cooper," Alex said narrowing her eyes. "You are a difficult person," she said with a critical tone but dawned a smile at the end. The taller woman only shrugged and took a sip from her smoothie.

"Ugh, Alex grunted and looked at the ground. "And very cute," she mumbled to the ground.

"What?" Marissa said, not catching her.

"Nothing," Alex said with a smirk.

The rest of the day Marissa, Alex and Connor spent on the beach. Alex brought plastic shovels and some toys for Connor that she left in her jeep. After finishing their smoothies they played and talked. While the sun was on the horizon Alex picked a barely awake child up and fastened him into the jeep.

"Do you want to come over if you're not busy?" She offered.

"If you don't mind." Marissa said gently. Relieved that Alex asked.

"I wouldn't have asked if I did," Alex said with a smirk.

"Okay smart..." she cut herself off, wanting to say ass, and watched the former blonde smirk more. "I'll follow you."

"Mmm you really shouldn't. I like it when you lead," Alex said with a small wink that didn't come off as cheesy or lame as the insintuation would lead anyone to believe. Then again flirting 101 was a class her ex could teach.

"See you in a bit," Marissa said as she swiftly turned and began to make the short walk back to her car.

The ride was very short. Marissa didn't need to follow Alex but she wasn't the first to arrive at the apartment. Letting herself in quietly she noticed the living room was empty and gently walked into the hallway to see her lean over Connor and give him a kiss on the forehead as he sunk further into his bed.

Alex appeared to be a little startled when she turned around and then worried when she saw Marissa's eyes water. Closing the bedroom door but keeping it open a crack she pulled he ex into the hallway some more and stood before Marissa as the taller girl's back pressed against the wall.

'Hey, hey, what's wrong?" Alex asked worried in a soft voice.

"Nothing, its fine." Marissa said blinking more rapidly.

"Its not nothing," Alex challenged but remained gentle.

"You have...this new life...its...almost perfect...even though perfection is impossible," she rambled, "I feel selfish thinking I'm not going to fit in it. I mean I've dabbled in being a bitch and I can't help second guessing myself and for even assuming you'd want me as a friend." She took a deep breath. "And why would you want me in your life when you have him to worry about? I let a grown person die, you shouldn't trust me with kids, I don't even trust me with kids." She finished as one tear fell.

"Marissa." Alex said in a listen to me and pay attention tone. "Your darkness is beautiful. I'm not saying you should embrace it and let it own you, but it is a part of you. I'm not judging. I just think you shouldn't...close yourself off. And you certainly shouldn't assume that I want you as a friend," Alex said with a slight edge.

"I'm sorry, I should go." Marissa said quickly and backpeddled. "I read the signs wrong, I'm sorry," Marissa said and made her way to the door.

She felt a hand gently hold her arm, her back being pressed against the wall without any hostility, an embrace that came with implications of caring, a hand holding her waist and lips against hers. Without thought she moaned into the lips and her arms came up to wrap around Alex's shoulders. Somehow they had formed together as they had in the past, fitting and interlocking and yet it was different. More mature...in some ways it felt more mature as Marissa deepend the kiss and pulled Alex into her.


	9. Chapter 9

Author's Note: The lines I used from media I admit were obscure. One was from Easy A (my love of Emma Stone), another from Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Scott Pilgram vs. The World. On a random note I really want a new job. Let's see if anyone can guess the one, as always obscure, line from a movie in this chapter. And I really want the next chapter to be the end. I could have finished it here-but I admit I'm tired. (10 hours of work yesterday on 5 hours sleep and odd dreams last night…sleep is overrated.)

* * *

Marissa felt great. She also felt conflicted and overall awkward. Not fully thinking she gently pushed Alex away.

"Doesn't this…doesn't it seem fast?" She asked quietly.

"Not really," Alex said calmly. "I wouldn't date you if Conner didn't like you," she continued with a small smile.

"Really?" Asked Marissa with a soft smile.

"Really," Alex said with certainty.

"That's really sweet actually," Marissa said above a whisper as she pulled Alex closer.

"But we're not sleeping together," Marissa said in an absolute tone. Alex couldn't help frowning.

"But my bed's really nice," then she smirked. Grunting and shaking her head the taller girl said, "I'll sleep with you but I won't have sex with you."

"Bum deal," Alex said slowly with sheer sarcasm and couldn't stop herself from smirking. A light slap to the arm was Marissa's response.

"Fine, to your bed then," Marissa said with her hands on her hips, making the shorter woman smirk more and take Marissa's hand and towards her bedroom. For the sake of making Alex squirm Marissa started taking off her shirt, leaving her in her bra and dark blue jeans. Alex tried not to let her eyes wander but she loved Marissa's body. She missed it and her warmth. Her hands automatically came to wrap around the taller girl's waist and dipped her head to kiss and breath in Marissa's skin of her neck, then pulled her head back.

"Hey, eyes up here," she said playfully, though enjoyed the attention.

"Hm?" Alex mumbled as she kissed Marissa's neck again.

The taller girl once again pushed Alex away, though a little harder than in the hallway, making Alex fall onto her bed. She slowly started to take her jeans off and slid into the bed as Alex laid with her elbows propped under her and her eyes more dilated. Pulling the covers up and moving her arms under the covers Marissa smoothly removed her bra and then let it fall to the floor gracefully. She had to smirk when she heard Alex gulp, as cliché as it was, it was also amusing. The shorter woman's brain seemed to have stopped as she continued to lay there looking at Marissa.

"You're cruel." Alex said narrowing her gaze.

"I never said I was nice…and you gotta be cruel to be kind." Marissa lightly sang.

"Change of topic…" Alex replied in a grumble as she got up and also removed her clothes, her back turned towards Marissa, though she still felt her gaze. Turning around and standing in her jeans and a tank top, without a bra she looked at Marissa and seemed to take in the moment as she paused. "How do you feel about a date?"

"Oh a real date-not like the pseudo one's we've been having," she said in a smart-alec tone.

"Why yes," Alex said as she removed her black belt and let her pants slid down her legs.

"Ah…yeah," Marissa got out distracted.

"Any ideas?" Alex asked curiously what Marissa thought would be a nice, real, legit date.

"Um, no…but I think Conner should choose," she said thinking it over as she responded. The standing girl couldn't help it, the suggestion was very sweet and unexpected. It felt different, Marissa was thinking about someone else more and it was nice to see her embrace Conner with open arms and be outwardly considerate as she got into the bed and purposefully didn't peek at Marissa's body.

"Great idea, I'll ask him tomorrow, after you sneak out before he wakes up," she said with a playful tone. Again Marissa lightly hit Alex's bicep. "Its my turn to sneak around now? I think not. Last time you snuck out I was afraid you were going to fall out my window."

"Yeah, goooood times," Alex said in a content tone as she pulled Marissa into her, remembering that Marissa liked to be held, though she gave her plenty of room if it made her uncomfortable. Instead the taller girl moved further into Alex as the recently turned mother wrapped her arm around her hip. Feeling Alex brush her lips against the back of her neck and her nose graze her hairline and move to kiss her shoulder Marissa gently turned around and kissed Alex on the cheek. "You're beautiful," she paused and kissed her on the cheek, "you're not at all tough," she kissed her under her neck, directly near her collar bone, "and you're complete help for me," she said with a smirk before she leaned in and kissed her on her lips harder to the point that Alex's breathing was labored. It was short in order so that they wouldn't start anything before Marissa felt that it was too soon even though she wanted to continue.

"Goodnight," she said sweetly, trying to control her own breathing.

"Night," Alex said tiredly as she wrapped her arm around Marissa's midsection more and settled in.


	10. Chapter 10

Author's Note: This is my longest note...I figure since I got back from the gym (Lady Gaga great for working out, as is Florence and the Machine, you can't go wrong.) around 12:45 I should write and now that its 1 AM hopefully this isn't horrible because this is the end of the story. Its obvious that authors use bits of their personality in their characters-in all honesty I've always been a degree of Marissa and a part of Alex in my stories. Possibly in part due to Olivia Wilde seems down to earth and someone I could see myself getting along with since she seems to be an endearing spaz and we could have vegan means together-ha. (Also Tron Legacy was great and surprisingly symbolic.) Of course things I've said and amusing conversations my friends say end up in stories but I hope the integrity is maintained and that the characters aren't unrelate-able and out of character. I won't lie it disturbs me that my coworkers want me to become pregnant (children is a clear theme in this story) but its never going to happen. The reason why this story was written is because its based on true events, the details have simply changed. I suppose its mostly about being honest and annoyed and being stuck in your head. For instance I hate that people think I'm anorexic. I'm vegan but I bloody well eat when I'm hungry and like Alex, I can't do breakfast. Random thought- Ever notice I don't do fluff well? Fully admit its not my forte but enjoy the story or hate it-fact is I'm done writing anymore fanfics unless something amazingly wonderful inspires me (like a Glee story). They'll be one more chapter. And anonymous reviews make me smirk. This is long (very long) overdue and here we go...

* * *

"The pillow ate my earring!"

"What?" Alex grumbled, turning over and felt that Marissa was out of bed and throwing the blankets over. A pillow flew up and hit Alex in the head.

"I swear it," Marissa kept ranting, though tried to whisper. "Misplaced doesn't even cover it." She kept on, "I wear them and poof they're gone" snapping her fingers together for emphasis.

"Or the tooth fairy's a klepto!" Alex got out in a mock tone as she was now fully awake and taking in how annoyingly cute Marissa was. She was ridiculous but it was also charming.

Marissa narrowed her eyes and lent her own mocking tone. "Ha ha ha," she said slowly. "You're a freak," she said in seriousness but with a loving tone.

"Takes one to know one. Can I go back to bed now?" Alex grumbled into her pillow as she tried to force the sun out of her view.

"No, no...can you help me move my things to my new place?" Marissa finished sweetly.

"Its my day off," Alex said louder as she sat up.

"Yeah but we might get really overheated and sweaty in the process...soooo we may have to take a shower together after." She smirked.

"Fine," Alex said in a terse way. "But its not anything I haven't see before," she said in a blase manner with a smirk. The next thing she knew was she felt Marissa hovering over her, her body pressed into her.

"You know you're a pain right?" Marissa said with a smile as she looked down at the former blonde. As Alex slowly lifted her head she heard Connor's voice.

"Are you two wrestling?" He asked with enthusiasm.

Marissa could only laugh as she rolled off Alex and responds to Connor, "Yeah, but I won."

"Duh, I win all the time, she's not really a challenge." He said matter of factly which made the standing girl laugh more as Alex still layed in bed.

"Alright Con Man, its official. You're spending the day with Jodie."

"Noooo," he said as he hopped in bed. "Whhhhy?"

"I have to help Marissa with something, but I'll be back later and don't worry, there's plenty of Jodie-proof snacks that she can't burn or over cook so you'll be fine," she said hugging him.

"Fine, but if I get sick its her fault," he replied as he jumped out of bed to go back to his room.

They both chuckled under their breath as they fully got out of bed, stretched and let their joints crack. Well...Alex's joints popped and shifted.

"Where's an oil can when you need one?" She mumbled.

"Awww, you're the best Tin Man a girl could ask for," Marissa said dramatically but bent forward to kiss Alex who frowned at her.

"You know in no way am I a man, right?" Alex said with her typical smirk.

"Of course and I appreciate that fact. Even if you brood, are quiet, have surprising upper body strenth..." her mind wandered to when Alex had picked her up, had her wrap her legs around her waist as the slightly shorter girl pinned her against a door...but that had been years ago..."or I could be digressing," she finished.

"And the rambling trophy goes to..." Alex said as she kissed Marissa's neck only to be rebuffed and gently pushed away. Apparently her teasing was hitting a couple nerves. The shorter girl knew that Marissa often felt self-conscious around her, second guessing herself, but being a smart alec was natural for her. Sometimes she forgot she should tone it down.

"I'm just saying," she tried to backpeddle. "It sounds like you got into my pot," she said lightly, as a grasp at comic relief.

"You smoke pot?" Marissa said narrowing her eyes.

"Ah...yeah...sometimes." Alex said honestly but with apprehension. It wasn't a big deal. Also she admitted she wanted it when she felt like relaxing and putting her life on hold.

"Okay...but why? You have Connor," Marissa tried to reason.

"True, but I'm always out and Jodie takes care of him when I need a break." Alex supplied without any defensive tone even as Marissa's contained an accusatory one.

"You can't always use Jodie as a crutch." Marissa supplied as she folded her arms across her chest. Looking at her ex Alex was trying to put two and two together, even if math wasn't her main skill.

"Are you jealous?" She asked with curiosity even though she knew that was part of the equation.

"No," The taller brunette said with certainty as she got this far away look in her eyes.

"Okay..."Alex said slowly and thought it over. _Its pot, she and I smoked a bit when she was in high school, also it relieves stress...I don't see the issue. _Instead of voicing her opinion she waited.

At that moment the apartment felt very quiet. Connor was in his room, there wasn't a tv on as background noise, Alex hadn't set her ipod alarm clock and now they were confronted with silence and truth be told-very few people really enjoy the quiet.

"The...guy...who died..in the car accident...he smoked a lot. He didn't that day of the crash but he had it on him..." She said as she looked at a nondescript part of the wall. Alex could see Marissa's shoulders tense. "I had to hide his things so the cops wouldn't think he was this lame delinquent. I guess...even when you're dead you want a good reputation...but," she paused and frowned, "he was a decent guy. He wasn't...the most considerate," she said slowly as though she shouldn't be admitting it out loud, the taboo of speaking ill of the dead as a wrong. She hesitated and pulled her arms closer into her body. "He knew I wasn't drinking, that I wasn't using any drugs, which is boring to most college people," she said slightly above a whisper, "but he once picked me up and had someone blow a large cloud in my face." Her voice betrayed any annoyance, it was devoid of any emotion. "I mean...its not like he knew I had been attacked or held down, but there's that...connection...the point of someone forcing you to do something you don't want and having that loss of control." She paused and gulped as though she were choking on the words or the effort.

"Marissa..." Alex said gently. She didn't know what to say but she wanted to help. Support her in some way. But looking at the younger woman Alex could only think that she was about to break or fall in on herself if she didn't exclaim her thoughts. She remained standing even though she wanted to close to few feet between them and hug the woman before her who had long ago said goodbye to the girl she had known.

"He was a decent guy," she stressed. "He was never malicious...he could be dense but he never...I don't know." Marissa said in frustration. Maybe that's what was annoying her so much. She didn't know. There had been so many thoughts of trying to understand how the accident happened, if she could change anything, but what would be the point now? Magical thinking never got her far, it was just a cruel repetition and dreams that she couldn't push down even when she tried to stay awake until the intentional point of aching exhaustion.

Marissa felt arms around her, strong but conscious arms that didn't try to encircle her in any dominating way. They felt supportive and warm. There was a soothing heat that came from her lower back as Alex delicately pressed her hand against the taller woman's skin. Her other arm came around half of Marissa's back, holding her shoulder as her fingers laced in the hair on the back of her neck. If anything it felt more like a cradling without any condescending tone. The sentiment was palpable and Marissa couldn't recall a single embrace that contained this much emotion and implications of altruism.

Instead of opening and expressing what she felt it was admittedly easier to shut down. And the way Alex was treating her provided with a nice distraction. The logical thing to do would be to keep talking. But what good ever came from being honest? Maybe she'll be brutally honest if she ever decided to drink again or when the thoughts batter around in her head to the point that she'll need to emotionally throw up. But at the moment the only thing she could do was lift her head from Alex's shoulder, brush her lips against the older woman's until they were pressing harder into a rough kiss. What could she say? She knew she wasn't the most logical person…


	11. Chapter 11

Author's Note: This is long and overdue and luckily its done now. You may love or hate the ending. It's the best I could create and frankly I care more about the issues and dialog and middle of the story or meat as some people say. Enjoy. Yeah, I'd appreciate reviews, clearly, but if you find the time to write one that would be wonderful. Please note I will not write a sex scene, but teasing is so much easier, and enjoyable. Enjoy yourselves and thank you for reading.

* * *

"Mmm," Alex moaned and gently placed her hands on Marissa's hips, feeling her hip bones that felt more prominent. "No...no," she said with more certainty as she gently pushed her away.

Marissa on the other hand tried to hold onto the older woman by pulling her closer, in vain to remain in contact with her as she had a loose embrace on her neck. Until she slide a hand down and held her side, taking the initiative to hold her closer, her leg coming in between her thighs.

"Mmmm, ugh,"...she groaned, "fuck," was nearly spat out as she became annoyed at herself for tilting her head to allow Marissa more access to her neck, who was hungrily running her tongue and teeth over the skin. She knew she was frustrated on more than one level, due to the turn on, as she pushed Marissa back again and moved a foot off to the side; purposefully avoiding Marissa's direct line of vision. She bit her lip and closed her eyes, inhaling a deep breath as she thought-I'm going to need a cold shower.

A solid three seconds passed until she opened her eyes and asked gently, "What's wrong?" Marissa only smirked and tilted her head to the side.

"You're not letting me kiss you," she said easily but with an edge of knowing flirtation. And although Alex found it charming, she was wearing down her patience, something she had little of; unless it came to Connor and the wanton girl in front of her.

"You're deflecting," Alex voiced with tired certainty. A frown crossed over Marissa's face and she could see her tense and become physically drained.

"I don't need you to psychoanalyze me," the lighter brunette said defensively.

"And what you need is a quick fuck and to use me?" Alex said without malice-just a hint of knowing that it was necessary to challenge her.

It wouldn't be quick-Marissa thought offhandedly, but then the previous words sunk in.

"You think I'm using you?" Marissa said narrowing her eyes, failing to allow the hurt to be seen.

"I think you're avoiding," Alex said with a small nod, though her face was devoid of emotion. She was more stating an observation. Instead of getting a clear answer Marissa walked away and started to look at the walls, clearly in search of something.

The shorter brunette only leaned against the wall and watched, slightly amused. "Okay...what are you doing?" She said while trying to hide her smirk.

"Looking for proof of your doctorate in psychology," Marissa almost shouted back, getting into her smart-ass theatricality. Alex wanted to indulge her, a small part of her, but knew it would only escalate the moment.

"I don't need one. I just know you." Alex replied gently to Marissa's back who was still turned away from her. She could tell the taller girl had flinched at the remark though.

"You know me?" She said turning around, her eyes full of an intensity that rivaled anger.

Alex gently crossed her arms under her chest-ready for a long, much needed monologue.

"You know that people view me as a bitch?" She got out bitterly, allowing herself to scream. "You know that people think of me as a murderer because I let him die? That because I took my friend who's a lawyer with me during questioning...my friends...think I was covering something up when really I wanted someone to have my back so that when they questioned me, again," she stressed, "about my sexuality and if I slept with him they'd see the police were being inappropriate and more so when they asked if I slept with his girlfriend?" She spat out furiously, her chest rising and falling quickly.

It was straddling a fine line of unnerving and intimidating that Marissa continued to stare at Alex. The older woman however knew this was needed, crucial to Marissa right now and shouldn't be interrupted.

"You know that my entire view of myself gets thrown off when I find out people think of me as a fucking cold hearted murderer-really?" Marissa said staring at Alex, daring her to refute her. On instinct the only action Alex could think to do was slowly walk towards the girl who had finally released some baggage and heady issues.

Her arms came up, she wrapped one around her waist first, carefully pulling her in as her left arm came around her shoulder blade, her hand cradling the taller girl's neck, allowing her to pull her in more. It took a few seconds for it to register that Alex wasn't rejecting her. When her arms came around Alex's shoulders she felt like she was letting something go-emotions maybe, as she held the older girl closer. It was reassuring to not feel judged, but instead have support...and possibly love. And maybe acceptance of her thoughts.

Marissa relaxed into the hold as she felt Alex's fingers graze the back of her neck and begin a rubbing motion as though to sooth away the tension. The action made tears form on the corners of Marissa's eyes, not remembering the last time someone held her without wanting something from her and just being comforted. It felt a little overwhelming and foreign as she tried to push back but Alex only continued her gentle hold. Not letting go but not forcing anything either, an action that was signature Alex.

Sighing, Marissa stopped her physical protests and fully accepted the older girl's giving actions. As she let her forehead fall into the crook of Alex's neck where she breathed her in-the scent familiar, she relaxed more.

"You're beautiful," Alex said with certainty as she pulled the taller girl in tighter, unknowingly making Marissa's lips graze her neck. Luckily Marissa lifted her head to look at her faux therapist. The action was appreciated by the shorter woman who reminded herself to focus. The face before her seemed puzzled.

"You're beautiful," she began again, "with all your quirks and your barriers...and moods," she said with hesitancy. "I enjoy the whole package."

Those words were what sent Marissa over, unfortunately it couldn't be held back as a few tears escaped, followed by more as she tried to brush them away.

"I'm sorry," she said and her voice cracked.

"Hey, hey," Alex replied, moving back a few inches and wiped away Marissa's tears with a caring hand. "No need to apologize."

The taller girl only let out a half amused smirk, feeling how easy it was to be with girl in front of her who had a wonderfully laid back nature. She felt nothing else than the need to kiss her. Glancing at her lips she noticed they were moving.

"Eyes up here," Alex said with demand but remained playful. "Listen," she continued gently, when the taller girl met her gaze, "most people have difficulty believing someone pretty is gay. Its an odd doubly standard, but there's still the expectation that all gay men are femmes and all gay women are butch," she said analytically. "Maybe not all, but most," she added. "So I can see why the police questions would annoy you because they were beyond rude and insensitive but unfortunately they were following procedure," Alex said gently-playing the devil's advocate.

"It was procedure for them to ask me if I've ever dated and had sex with guys?" Marissa said with growing hostility but still remained close to Alex for reasons that were beyond her comprehension. And fact was she didn't want to think about it, she still felt...safe in the other woman's hold.

"No, it certainly wasn't." Alex said after a deep breath from trying to remain calm that anyone had talked to Marissa that way when the girl was very likely traumatized and in shock at the time. "But if you want I can make a few calls and have someone punch him in the face...a couple of times," she said with a smirk-trying to get the girl to relax somehow.

Next she had felt Marissa slap her arms, not hard. "Alex!" Marissa said with a smile, loving the shorter girl's protective streak.

"That's my girl," Alex said with her own smile-content that she had made one appear on Marissa's face. Not being able to help it she leaned forward and kissed Marissa on the cheek, leaving her confused as to why she hadn't received a proper one on the lips. Alex began to turn and walk away, half way down the wall Marissa took in how tense the older woman was; as though she was holding back. She replayed the last five minutes in her head and realized she was gentle…overly so. She held her like she was fragile. Following after the girl slowly Marissa grasped her hand and slowly turned her around.

"I'm not breakable, you know," she said with her own certainty. With a frown Alex tilted her head and on instinct started to move her thumb on Marissa's hand who had entwined their fingers.

"I never said you were."

"But you're acting like it," Marissa said accusingly.

"You want me to apologize for that?" The older woman asked still confused and growing angry.

"No, I just don't want you to walk on eggshells."

"I'm not," Alex said dropping her hand and crossing her arms.

Marissa rose her eyebrows. "You kind of are," she said knowingly but with confusion that they broke physical contact.

"I'm not going to fight or even argue with you, you don't deserve that," the shorter girl said the last part to the ground.

"I just want you to be honest."

"And I don't think you can handle that. You've said a lot today. I'm proud you got it out but we can save it...my thoughts for another day."

"Don't you think I should judge what I can handle?"

"Yes, but you worry a lot of what people think of you. In a way you are fragile," she mumbled the last part.

"I'm not weak, Alex," Marissa said raising her voice.

"I never said that," the shorter girl said, pained, feeling like the conversation was going in a completely wrong direction. "You're strong," she said after a few seconds to collect her thoughts. "I'm proud of you for all you've survived. In no way are you a murderer. That's just absurd," she said letting her annoyance slip out. "You're dealing with everything gracefully and I wouldn't want to be in your position but I'd trade places so you wouldn't have to deal with this bullshit," she said angrily. She took in deep calming breaths and avoided looking at Marissa until she felt hands on her shoulders that slowly moved to her neck. She almost purred in a soft moan when she felt Marissa's fingers lace into the back on her neck and slide into her hair. "You're hard not to love," she said with a sigh.

"You love me?" Marissa said shocked. Alex's eyes enlarged. Unaware that she had said the last part out loud.

Ummm, she thought as she squeezed her eyes tight. Thinking Alex didn't hear her Marissa gently inquired again, but without the shock.

"You love me?"

"Didn't really have much choice did I?" She said begrudgingly, but smirked as she looked at the ground.

"Jesus you're such a softie," Marissa said as she wrapped her arms around the woman more.

"Am no," came the muffled reply that was cut off at the end when Marissa firmly pressed her lips against Alex's. Pushing the shorter girl up against the wall she brought her hands down to her chest and moved further into Alex who gasped into her mouth. Taking her bottom lip between hers, Marissa bit on Alex's swollen lip making her moan again. Deeply enjoying the sound and that she was the cause she spread Alex's legs with her own and moved her hip to press into the apex of Alex's thighs. Everything in Alex's head told her to let it happen but she pushed against her thoughts and pressed her hands into Marissa's hips and put distance between them. (Author's note: At this point in time in a dream world this is when Quinn Fabray would smoothly walk out from behind a corner and say it's all about the teasing and not about the pleasing.)

"And stubborn," this time Marissa said with annoyance at being stopped.

"I have to check on Connor," Alex said gently and all the annoyance drained from Marissa who pieced it together.

"He's probably fallen back asleep," Alex said, trying to catch her breath, "but I'll call Jodie and she can take him for the day so we can have time for ourselves," she said with a small smile that was threatening to become larger. She excused herself and moved away from Marissa's grasp to head back into her room.

After grabbing her phone from the nightstand she was glad to see no one had called. Although Jodie wouldn't like having to babysit, she also knew her ex was remarkably okay her dating Marissa. Their brief conversation about Alex's happiness was blunt but there was obvious consideration. Alex was focused on Connor for years and didn't really consider seriously dating anyone. The few one night stands were dates through friends of friends but she wasn't ready to commit and get comfortable with someone now that she had a kid, which still threw her for a loop sometimes. But Marissa fit into her life, even though she had issues she needed to work through. This mature, older Marissa was one she could trust-something even Jodie surprisingly commented on.

As she waited for the phone she tried to relax but she bit her lower lip and felt the swell in it-setting off a replay of the last ten minutes.

"Yup?" Interrupted her thoughts.

"You have I both have the day off...but..." she started slowly, feeling guilty for asking Jodie.

"Out with it," Jodie said somewhat impatiently in her state of half asleep.

"Would you mind taking Connor for a few hours...I told Marissa I'd help move her things."

"Into your place?" She asked amused.

"No, her apartment across town," Alex said nonchalantly.

"You just want to get your mack on." Jodie said and her smirk evident when her voice rose. Alex shut her eyes. There was a downfall to your friends knowing you so well. A moment of pause and Alex replied.

"And I'm helping her move."

"Ha yeaaaah. Well I'll take the little man. I'll be over in...ten."

"Try not to make out with Luce for too long, the girl's got a job you know," Alex said with a smirk, knowing Jodie was going to wake up her girlfriend after the call.

"Just to spite you I'll be over in fifteen now," she said half jokingly and hung up the phone.

Tossing her phone on the bed she sat at the end and took some deep breaths. She knew she was about to have sex, in all likelihood anyway and it would be different. There was attachment and emotions that came with Marissa and she knew it would be more intense than her previous one night stands. Getting up after composing herself she wandered over to Connor's room but already found Marissa leaning against the doorway contently observing the little con-man. Sliding her hands around Marissa's body and her palms pressing into her flat stomach, the taller girl responded by moving back into Alex more, allowing her to small her hair and take in the moment. Having someone she loved in her life and it felt natural that Connor would take to her and enjoy her company.

"Jodie will be here..."

There was a light knock on the door followed by someone having the audacity to already come in. Alex rolled her eyes.

"Speak on the devil," she mumbled into the taller brunette's neck and lightly kissed the skin before dropping her arms.

"You're early she said," turning to her ex as her eyes portrayed a silent thank you.

"He's still asleep?" She said with a coffee in hand.

"Yeah, he'll stay like that for another hour, even if you move him, kid's dead to the world, 'til he wakes up and enjoy that spurt of energy," she said with a smirk. She caught Marissa who was still standing in the hall observing everything with her hands in her pockets.

"Fine, fine, I'm leaving." She said tossing back the last of the coffee and putting it in the trash as she made her way around the kitchen. It only took five minutes to gather the zombie-like Connor and put him in the extra car seat that was in Jodie's car. When they heard the tires off in the distance it took all of three seconds for Marissa to attack Alex and lead her towards the bedroom.

An hour later they came up for air. At first it was rough, more so Marissa was a little rougher than she remembered but some part of Alex felt that the younger girl was still trying to prove to her that she wasn't fragile. But she enjoyed making Marissa groan in frustration when she went painfully slow, excruciatingly so until the taller girl's nails dug into her back to make her pick up the pace. The hour felt like a long and well worth it marathon.

Laying on their backs, Marissa's wrist and hand resting on Alex's stomach she contently laughed until she said, "that was worth the wait." Feeling the infectious laughter and her bed slightly shake at the woman's intake or breath she rolled back over and kissed Marissa's cheek.

"Okay, how about a shower and then we head to your place?"

"One condition." Marissa said with conviction and a tone that implied she wasn't going to back down.

"That would be?" Alex said raising an eyebrow.

"We take one together." She said shifting closer to her girlfriend and kissing her hard, making Alex's body heat up again with want, loving Marissa's assertive side. Mmmm Alex moaned in a hazy agreement. "See you in there," Marissa said with a smirk and got out of bed, void of self-consciousness and went into the adjoining bathroom. It take the former blonde a moment to will her body out of bed, feeling a little soar but enjoying the feeling.

The shower was longer than her usual showers for obvious reasons. She had to focus on the floor while Marissa was standing in towel. Hearing Marissa chuckle made her blush, knowing she was being rather transparent at the moment.

"You're really obvious and very cute," Marissa said knowingly.

"I'm not cute," Alex said glaring at the floor, still avoiding Marissa's form.

"Mm yes you are," She said wrapping her arms around her girlfriend who was turning a deeper red. Placing a kiss to her cheek after wrapping her arms around the smaller girl's waist for a change and withdrew to lay on the bed, the towel very close to coming undone.

"Oh that's not playing fair," Alex said with her own smirk as she slide her body over her girlfriend who was playing her expertly. It was automatic to slip a hand to the side of her face, her palm holding her jaw as she deepened the kiss. Letting Marissa pull the towel off of her Alex followed suit and did the same to Marissa's. It was a surprise when Marissa flipped them over so she was on top, straddling the former blonde's waist, and then more of a shock when she took Alex's hand and moved it lower on her own body.

A half hour later the two women finally got out of bed, took separate showers, Alex took a cold one and were in Alex's jeep. The ride over was pleasant and Marissa continued to tease while she kept her hand on her thigh and drawing tiny circles into her tight jeans. The sensation was similar to a tickle and also raised her body heat.

Thanking some unholy god Alex parked the jeep quickly when they were at the apartment and Marissa gave her thigh a squeeze. Not caring that they weren't behind closed doors Alex unbuckled her seat belt and leaned over to claim Marissa's lips, letting go some of her frustration. This time she matched Marissa's intensity. She didn't hear Marissa unclick her own seatbelt and open the door to slide out. The action resulted in Alex trying to refrain from pouting. Mumbling to the ground she got out of the jeep and followed Marissa to the entrance and then to elevator. While waiting they kept brushing the back of their hands together as they stood side by side. Alex considered numerous ways she could take her girlfriend against the wall. Worst elevator ride ever-she thought in her head.

Luckily the door opened and she again followed Marissa. Not minding that it gave her the opportunity to check her out in the skin tight dark jeans. Her mind was wandering and failed to notice Marissa had put her key in and opened the door. It only registered to her when Marissa turned around and pulled her by the front of her shirt. Loving the attention she let herself be pulled in and even enjoyed being pushed against the door. When Marissa pressed her body against the shorter girl's she didn't mind closing her eyes and forgetting the moving that they intended to do. It wasn't until Marissa moved backwards, still pulling Alex's shift that was bunched in her hand and felt into the girl when they reached a couch.

Finally opening her eyes after realizing Marissa was very smooth and they hadn't fallen over any boxes. The entire apartment was organized and looked lived in. Books were on shelves, there weren't any boxes, on the table a vase of flowers were sitting in the middle of the table.

"What the hell," she said tilting her head, raising her voice, but not in annoyance.

"Took you longer than I expected." Marissa laughed lightly, clearly enjoying the moment.

"I blame you, you and your lips," she said with her own laughter.

"Yeah and you like it," Marissa said moving into her more with an unaware dreamy look on her face which made Alex smirk.

"So the tooth fairy stone your earring and gnomes completely unpacked your apartment?"

"Close. Summer did," Marissa said with a smart-alec tone.

"I'm going to tell her you said that," she replied with a smile while she pulled Marissa in closer by her back and got more comfortable on the light grey, modern couch that she would later think really fit Marissa's style.

"No you're not, you want to see me dead?" Marissa said with a shriek.

"You can't shut me up," Alex said with a smirk that she thought would become permanent if they kept up the playful bantering.

"Yes I can, you like my lips," Marissa got out as she let her head fall closer.

"Lies all lies," Alex mumbled against her girlfriends lips, almost moaning into her mouth.

"Uh huh," the taller girl said back, clearly not believing her as she pressed her hips harder into Alex making Alex forget words. "Time to break in the couch," Marissa continued as she moved her head to the girl's neck and began lightly nipping.

"If we must," Alex said with a fake sigh but held onto the Marissa's lower back to keep her there until the taller girl lifted herself a bit more to smoothly remove her shirt.

Sweet baby Jesus-Alex thought biting her lower lip, feeling her libido hitch after it had been dormant for months. She loved this girl, she didn't feel tired at all even though she had every reason to be. Instead Marissa was like a drug, a perfect high for all her senses. Moving back down Marissa migrated her hands to the shorter woman's chest leaving her neck exposed, allowing Alex the chance to kiss along the tendons there and inhaling.

"You'd think we didn't just spend this morning having sex," Marissa released in a breathy tone, the message that she was a bit shocked how Alex was so enthusiastic to go another round. Marissa's words were heard as though she were in a tunnel, she was very much focused on the way she smelled and kept falling deeper, possibly into Alice's wonderland.

"I missed you," she said before she could think to censor herself. But she had missed her. She had never wanted to break up when they did in high school, though maybe they had needed the time to grow as individuals and were better for it. Marissa was more available and ready for a relationship than they had been and although the sex was great back then she was startled at how it had been better in the present.

Clearly finding Alex's honesty to be a turn on Marissa quickly decided Alex in clothes was evil or at least a sin and worked to remedy that or in her own way make the situation pure. Or maybe it was that she wanted to worship her girlfriend. They spend the next half hour doing so.

Finally when they had gone through the tour of the nice sized apartment they took a shower, pleasantly washing one another without getting too worked up. When a late lunch was decided on they walked around town, seeing as how the apartment was in the middle of downtown and ended up at a tiny, hole in the wall Italian place. Playful conversation, more inquiries of Connor and Alex's life came up while Alex avoided discussing Marissa's friend who died and focused on her courses and plans.

"Summer's actually planning on making an eco friendly clothing line. She has a friend who helps her design and make the clothes and she asked me to be the sort of spoke's person, slash model," Marissa said shyly, clearly still considering it.

"That'd be great, very Summer, and you could still do school and help her and get to spend time with her, I don't see any issues." Alex replied calmly.

"Of course you wouldn't, you'd be dating a model," she replied with a smirk.

"I'm hardly that shallow," Alex said in all seriousness.

"I know you're not, but...I think...modeling is just another way for people to judge me and I don't think I care to be put in that position."

"Then you don't have to," Alex said gently as she took a sip of her wine. Marissa looked off to the side and sighed.

"I probably will anyway. Summer's my best friend and getting to spend time with her is a perk," she said sweetly.

"And that's why I love you," she said after taking the last sip from her glass. "You're a good friend." Marissa could only smile back and enjoy the compliment even though compliments were often hard for her to take, but they felt easier with Alex, accepting them.

"I love you too," she said, letting the day sink in and that it felt so natural and at ease to be with. The older girl almost beamed back at her but covered the fact that she was ecstatic up. It was the first time Marissa had admitted that she loved her. In high school the words never came out of her mouth, but now it was said without reserve.

"Check please!" Alex said turning around to their waiter and she heard Marissa giggle at the action.

"We haven't even gotten our main course, Alex," Marissa said with her hand over her mouth, trying to contain her laughter. Turning around to face the girl she locked eyes with her, intense blue eyes that held a dark ring around them.

"I need to make love to you now," she said with absolution and rested her elbows on the table, proper etiquette be damned, annoyed there was a table between them. The only bodily response Marissa could convey rather than dinning and dashing which she wouldn't do was bit on her lower lip. Keeping her eyes on the girl infront of her Alex got out the money after the waiter brought over the bill. Very briefly looking at her wallet she grabbed the right amount and left a tip then looked back at Marissa.

"And stop doing that," she said playfully, happiness in her voice. Marissa stopped but sucked on her lower lip for a second then released it. "That's my job," she said as she got up and followed Marissa out of the small building. They held hands once out on the street and they both had to remind themselves to walk, don't run, even though there wasn't a pool in sight. Again the elevator was painfully slow but instead of dealing with the tension Alex pushed Marissa's body up against a corner and took control, something Marissa had secretly wanted Alex to do since this morning.

When they got to the apartment Marissa didn't bother to relock the door once they were inside. Alex moaned thinking this was now her favorite pastime, kissing Marissa. She admitted she could probably get off on kissing alone but didn't want to test that theory. Finding themselves on the bed, Marissa groaned and held the former blonde's shoulders.

"Mmm fuck me," she said in a low voice, the raspyness turning Alex on more and even enjoying that college had turned Marissa into quite the cursor in certain situations.

"No," Alex said clearly and with certainty into her neck.

"You've been fucking me all day, you won't now?" Marissa asked confused and in a near growl. To say she was annoyed was an understatement; which was evident when her nails racked on her girlfriend's bare back now that their shirts were removed seconds ago in a tornado of kisses, arms, and grasps.

"No," she said gently. "I'm going to make love to you. I know we've been fucking all day," she said knowingly but it came out softly. "I want this time to be different," she said as she moved closer to Marissa gently and delicately placed her lips on her own, memorizing every sensation. The girl beneath her let out a content groan and tilted her head, making a point for Alex to switch to her neck because she wanted to have her mouth free for a moment.

"I'm sorry I scratched your back," she said with all sincerity and care, feeling remorse that she likely drew lines of blood.

"Its fine," she said lovingly. "I'm sure it won't be the last time you do," Alex said into Marissa's collar bone that she was paying attention to. If Marissa thought Alex was being painfully slow in her actions before she was more than frustrated this time. But she still loved it, how in tune Alex was and how the subtlest cues were attended to. Although it was far slower than before it felt more intense for both of them.

Another hour later Marissa curled her body into Alex's and rested her head on the shorter girl's shoulder. It almost made her laugh that she wanted to be a cliché and have a cigarette right now as she swept her fingertips over the other girl's arm. It was so easy to drift off to sleep that she didn't fight it. Didn't worry about the possible nightmares as she let her eyes close.

Somehow when she woke up it was months later. Reality felt a lot like a dream. Her girlfriend was supportive and remained incredibly in tune. Their sex life didn't slow, it was still intense and sometimes they didn't make it to a bed but it all felt more intense. What felt surreal was Summer's business took off and was becoming very popular. They had even opened a shop downtown. Marissa could walk to the boutique after her classes her over, classes that she was starting to love and gave her an edge when it came to the modeling she had to do. She could argue to business side when photographers tried to be difficult.

What made her content, besides her girlfriend who had taken to whispering babe to her, something that made her shiver in appreciated was that she and Connor were closer. The little man had meals with her, went shopping together, getting groceries, running around parks, anything that the boy could think of. Alex had to even pull her aside to tell Marissa, "Who's the softie now? He's got you wrapped around his finger." The taller girl only smiled, not minding at all. Connor also loved Marissa. She insisted she stay the night as often as possible while they had their dinners together. Jodie surprisingly would come over with her girlfriend Luce and they'd all have meals together. It all felt overwhelming wonderful that Marissa was completely in a state of shock for a day when Summer informed her in a nervous and frantic, but prideful call that they had an interview with E news about their fashion line. Feeling Alex's arms around her was the only thing that kept her calm when Summer kept yelling into the phone.

A brief discussion followed with Alex after Summer told her the details where it would be and when, but the gist was how proud Alex was with all of her achievements-classes while modeling, having her own place, being independent. The conversation almost made the taller girl cry.

She kissed her goodbye when Marissa got in her car to meet Summer at the interview location. When they arrived backstage a professional as always did Marissa's makeup after the had changed into a dress Summer had specifically made and designed for the event. It was all a blur, still in shock Marissa nodded to the interviewer and Summer when she thought was appropriate and only looked at Summer more intently when she felt the smaller girl elbow her in the stomach. She knew her friend didn't mean to do it hard. The girl couldn't help that she had boney elbows but she brought her hand up as though she was resting it on her hip, but really rubbed her side.

"What do you think Marissa?" Summer asked her, trying to direct her attention. She glanced back over to the professional man who was young and interviewing them.

"I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you," she said over the crowd.

"Being that you're a model and new to the scene do you get hit on or bothered by guys coming up to you?" He asked nicely.

"No, I'm busy with classes and pretty much being with my girlfriend and her kid, just typical day to day activities" she said honestly though with a breezy tone, not allowing anyone to make a big deal out of the fact that she was gay.

"Oh, good for you," he said back easily. "Planning on tying the knot with this girlfriend that you clearly seem serious about?" He asked, his tone not intrusive as he took in how her face glowed more.

"Mmm, I think that's up to a few variables," She said with a smile, not realizing she was being mysterious. "Mostly if her kid approves." She said with a larger smile, one that met her eyes.

"Oh, very nice." He said back, void of judgment, likely aware that the fashion industry was very gay friendly. Summer gave her hand a small, subtle squeeze, trying to show her support and that she was proud of Marissa for being so forthright.

The rest of the conversation went nicely, she mentally took a back seat and let her eyes wander the crowd. There were a few guys who were looking at her with more interest since she mentioned she was gay, which really didn't make any sense to her. But maybe it was as simple as they want what they can't have. Meanwhile Alex had her, something that made Marissa content and feel safe to the point that she let her guard down when it was often present with others. She couldn't wait to go back to Alex's place tonight and crawl into bed and let the anxiety of the night dissipate. In all likelihood her girlfriend would give her a massage, working the knots from her back that had been there for a week. She wasn't in the mood for sex, though they never seemed to cool off. Sometimes a look from Alex was all that set her off and then she had to physically express how much the new mother turned her on. However she loved the massages Alex would give her, there was never a push for anything more, it was just a way to help Marissa, though most of the time when the taller girl tried to give the former blonde a massage they ended up making out. One of the many tells that Alex had more control.

Suddenly Marissa was being thanked for her time and Summer was leading out. Luckily she recalled saying goodbye and common courtesy dialog but she let out a relieved sigh when she was back in her car. Not bothering to change into jeans and a nice shirt as she planned she just wanted to get home. Home-she thought. Okay, its not my home, but it feels like one of them-she considered further as she made her way back to Alex's since they agreed hours before she'd spend the night on account that it was a weekend.

Finally getting to the apartment, walking in quietly in case Connor was asleep, she put her purse down gently and looked around the open room. Focusing her eyes more to the soft lighting she was more than surprised to see Connor awake and standing in the middle of the room. Flipping on another light the room was brightened. Her eyes enlarged at seeing Connor looking adorable in a fancy tux.

"What're you doing up Con Man?" She said happily, sleep now the last thing on her mind as she bent down to his level, a knee placed on the ground. She knew it would be difficult to get back up in the dress in certain positions.

"I'm ready!" he said excitedly.

"What're you ready for?" Marissa asked curiously and let out a small laugh.

"Do you want to marry mom?" He asked casually as though it was the most obvious, everyday question that he asked everyone that walked through the door late at night. Marissa's jaw fell. Speechless. Her brain literally couldn't think of words. With the exception that she thought he was ridiculously adorable. "I think you shoooould," he sang in an excited voice.

"You do, huh?" She said, finding it easier to reply to his honest comments, seeing as how as a kid he had the luxury of not having a censor.

"Yeah, she's goofier with you and smiles more and lets me sleep in more and have more aunt Jodie. Eveeeen though she can only cook with a microwave." He said and yawned. Marissa couldn't stop herself, she laughed, whole heartedly, full on. She caught herself doing that more often in the past months and it never got old.

"Okay little man, time for bed," she said and she held out her hand which he gladly took. he routine like many of the other nights Marissa stayed over. Leading him down the hall, though they both knew where they were going she was stopped by Alex who was leaning against a wall. She gave a light smile and kissed the taller girl on the cheek after hungrily looking her over briefly. The flash was barely noticeable but Marissa saw it, reveled in it and enjoyed that she could read Alex. Watching the shorter girl bend and pick up Connor she let her hand drop only to take Alex's hand and give it a squeeze before the former blond turned and went into Connor's room to get him changed and in bed.

A few minutes later Alex came out, moving to shut his door but leaving it open a crack and moved to the living room to sit on the couch with Marissa. Gently taking a seat beside her she slowly picked up her hand and drew light circles into the model's wrist knowing it relaxed her. The unsaid tension wasn't heavy, but it was still there. Alex wasn't known for her patience but she was curious what Marissa was thinking. her face looked peaceful but she'd seen her flip from one to the next in seconds.

"So you watched the interview?" Marissa asked but already knew.

"I did." Alex said in a hum.

"And you basically had Connor ask me to marry you?" Marissa said opening her eyes and focused them on the older woman.

"Well he does have you wrapped around his finger so I figured..." she drifted off and smirked, kind of loving how the tension was going away and they were being their usual teasing selves.

"You should have asked," Marissa said in all seriousness. With that tone Alex back peddled and took back her previous thought that she they were being playful and gave an audible gulp. She never thought she'd be nervous. It felt like that's where they were going and where they'd end up. But maybe they were too young and it was too soon, even though it felt right. She'd wait years if Marissa wanted to. Or maybe they'd break up now because of the proposal...or lack of.

Marissa saw the panic flash in Alex's eyes and she expected it to go away, but she only saw it build and she felt guilty for putting it there. She picked up Alex's hand, entwined their fingers and gave a reassuring hold.

"Will you.." Alex said in a whisper, afraid her voice was going to crack. Marissa fought the desire to roll her eyes and beamed at her girlfriend, but the smile was lost on Alex who felt like she was having a mini panic attack from all the thoughts she should have considered and but didn't think of until now.

Marissa crashed her lips against her girlfriend's and pulled her in closer. "Yes," she mumbled against her lips. "Yes," she said louder and with more happiness evident in her voice. It took Alex a second to kiss back but when she did it was gentle and a beautiful surrendering as she pulled her fiancé into her and into her life.


End file.
